The Adventures of Phatgurl
by Emily Suzanne
Smiltneck
The
Adventures Of Phatgurl
is a serial collection of stories about the adventures of Jany, a
plus-sized young woman who, in desperation, places an ad on a
personals website. As she embarks on her dates, she meets many
different kinds of men who expect many different things from her.
Some of her adventures are wildly amusing and others are more
serious and even sad.
If you have any
ideas or experiences, funny or otherwise, that you would like to see
depicted in a future Phatgurl story, please e-mail me at
emilysuzanne20@hotmail.com.
I will do my very best to incorporate all reader ideas into future
columns. Thanks!
The Ad (Part 2)
SWSSBBW
seeks SM who will not rape her, emotionally or otherwise.
The ability to both speak and write in complete sentences is
a plus. Must not inadvertently throw her down stairs or
pretend that she is “Mama.” Intelligent conversation, a
little respect, and the lack of a current significant other
will get you far. And a well-developed sense of humor won’t
hurt, either. If you like smart chicks with jelly bellies
and thunder thighs, reply to
phatgurl@personalz.com
Candidate 2.3: The Second Chance
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
mynameistom@personalz.com
Subject:
Sorry
Sorry bout
everything that happened. I didn’t mean to make you go out
with Lee and it wasn’t cause I don’t like you. Things just
got messy, but I think they’re fixed up now. Can I meet you
for coffee or somethin?
Tom
To:
mynameistom@personalz.com
From:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: Re:
Sorry
I don’t
know. I mean, I’m not mad over the whole Lee thing. The
date was a little awkward, but he seems like a nice enough
guy. And it’s not that I think you don’t like me, really.
I just keep thinking that you were obviously trying to cheat
when you contacted me. I mean, you can’t be THAT clueless.
If Sarah or whoever she is thought you were in a
relationship, there must have been something to it. And so,
say I do decide to meet you, and say we hit it off. Then
maybe we’ll be in a relationship, and you’ll do the same
thing to me. I know it’s probably weird to think that far
ahead so soon, but when you’ve been hurt as many times as I
have, you learn to think about every single detail of your
life YEARS in advance so you can avoid as much pain as
possible. So that’s my answer. I don’t know.
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
mynameistom@personalz.com
Subject: Re:
Re: Sorry
I see.
Well, when will you know? I think your real pretty and I
want to get to know you in person. Lee said you were cool
even tho things didn’t work out with yous guys. I don’t got
to work on Friday, so I could come see you on your lunch
hour and we could have lunch. My treat. At least meet me.
To:
mynameistom@personalz.com
From;
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: Re:
Re: Re: Sorry
Okay,
fine. Meet me at the deli next to where I work (Mala Ning’s
Dynasty) Friday at 11:30. I have ‘til 1 for lunch. If you
need the address, Google it.
Jany settled down to watch TV. The prospect of seeing Tom
for lunch left her a little uneasy. Queasy, in fact. And
with all the self analysis she’d done after her evening with
Lee, and the guilt she’d felt as a result of it, she had no
desire to get to the bottom of the queasiness. She hardly
ever watched TV, but once in a while it was the perfect
thing to help her step outside of her own mind.
She found a channel playing reruns of one of her favorite
shows from when she was a kid. Perfect. She could almost
pretend she was fifteen again, happily curled up on the sofa
on a Friday night while her parents were out to dinner or
visiting friends. As long as she was safely at home, where
she didn’t have to see her classmates gathered in boisterous
groups that she was never included in, or paired off in
couples that she was never asked to be a part of, she’s been
able to pretend that she liked her life. And shows like the
one she was watching now had been important to her back
then. She’d watched them not as entertainment but as a sort
of guide to what her life should look like, as if by
watching them she could discover the secrets everyone else
knew, the secrets to being beautiful and popular, loved and
happy.
Jany was drifting lazily between the TV show and sleep when
the phone rang. She sleepily peered at the caller ID and
was suddenly wide awake and breathless. Her heart skipped
one beat and then thudded wildly in an attempt to catch up
with itself.
“Hey, Michael.” He was the only person who could cause that
kind of a reaction by calling her, or even just e-mailing,
ever since he’d responded to that first terrible ad she had
placed on Personalz.com.
“Hey, Sweetness. How’ve you been?”
“Great!”
“Good to hear. What is it that’s got you doing so well?”
“Uh—well, nothing, I guess. Actually, things have been
pretty crappy. It’s just that as soon as I hear your voice,
I forget about all the bad stuff.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Not the part about my voice, of
course. But the rest.”
“It’s okay. It’s my own fault.” Jany told him all about
Tom’s messages and then the message from the woman, and
about how Tom had pushed her off on Lee. She almost left
off the end of the story, the part where she’d used Lee for
sex even though she wasn’t really attracted to him, how
she’d stolen his virginity then run away as fast as her legs
would carry her when he’d tried to make it mean something.
In the end, though, she held nothing back. She needed
someone to help her put the whole thing in perspective, to
hopefully tell her she wasn’t a horrible person. She
finished by sheepishly telling him she’d gone on to make a
lunch date with Tom.
“Wow. I guess we haven’t talked in a while. I’ve missed
out on a lot. So, uh—are you looking forward to this date?”
“Do you have to ask? I’m not looking forward to it at all.
I totally used Lee and I feel like a monster for it and now
I’m seeing Tom and I don’t even really want to. I’m
miserable.”
“So, not to ask the obvious question, but why are
you, then?”
“I don’t know, to be honest. I didn’t want to say yes and I
did anyway, same old story. I’m actually trying pretty hard
not to think about why right now.”
“Well, I’m assuming that since you told me about the whole
thing, my two cents’ worth is welcome, so here it is. You
were hurt by Tom, you thought he liked you in particular and
then you found out you were the other woman, and you got
pissed. So when you had the chance to get back at him by
hooking up with his buddy, you went for it. Since you kinda
took control of the situation with Tom, you felt powerful,
and you’re not used to that. When Lee turned out to be shy
and didn’t take the lead, that feeling of power gave you
the courage to do it. You played around with your power a
little and then your conscience kicked in. Am I wrong?”
“So far, so good. I’d kinda already figured that out, just
didn’t wanna think about it.”
“Okay, good. If it makes you feel any better, men do shit
like that all the time, and I suspect that women do too.
Minus the conscience part, mostly. It’s human nature.”
“So I’m just as miserably human as anyone else. Great.
Why, exactly, did I decide to go out with Tom, then, if
you’re so good at analyzing me?”
“Easy. Because you’re not quite as confident as you think
you are yet. You’re still afraid to say no. And you’re too
damn nice to say no in the first place. But the main reason
is that he already screwed up once, pretty badly, and deep
inside, you know that you have the power here, and you won’t
feel guilty about testing out that power on someone who’s
already proven that he’s an ass. It won’t be like with
Lee.”
“That’s what I was afraid of. I’m turning into a maneater,”
Jany said dryly. Michael chuckled.
“I wouldn’t go that far, Jane. You’re fine. Go have lunch,
have fun, and if he doesn’t give ya the feel-good jitters,
tell him you had a wonderful lunch but you don’t want to
waste his time when you’re just not right for each other.
It’ll feel good, I promise. Now, back to the reason I
called in the first place—”
“It wasn’t just to hear my beautiful voice?” Jany was
relieved that Michael hadn’t told her she was a cold-hearted
bitch—she’d been half afraid he would—and was glad to move
the conversation in a lighter direction.
“Of course it was, and to be your psychic advisor and
romance coach, too, but there was one more reason.”
“Okay, give it to me.”
“There’s a TV show on tonight I thought you might like.
It’s called Big Date. Just another dating reality show,
except this one features a guy that’s into curvy women and
the contestants are all plus-sized.”
“Are you serious? Big girl lovin’s going primetime? Wow.”
“It sure is. Primetime on a major network, even.”
“I don’t even know what to say. I—really?”
They talked for a few more minutes and then hung up in time
for the show. Jany sat up on the couch, ready to absorb
every second. If the premiere went well, the show would
continue, and Jany had a vested interest in its success.
She knew there were men in the world who preferred bigger
girls—the number of responses she gotten to her ad proved
it—and if this show caught on, maybe those men would feel
like their preference was okay. Maybe more of the good ones
would stop being afraid of what people might think and come
out of the fat chick-loving closet.
The show opened with maybe twenty women telling their
stories—how they’d never been to prom, or never had a date
of any kind, or never been able to accept a date because
they’d been set up for humiliation so many times and been
hurt. They talked about how their weight didn’t hold them
back in work—they had good jobs, ones they liked—and how it
didn’t hold them back in life—they were active and healthy
and happy in most ways—but how their weight held them back
in one main area—love. Some had been loved and left, and
some had never been loved at all, but all of them could
explain exactly how their weight had knocked the possibility
of love right out of their lives. Until now.
Jany cried all the way through the show, so hard that she
almost missed the end, when the man who was looking for a
large, lovely, curvy lady to be a part of his life was
introduced. She cried because in each of their stories she
heard a part of her own, and because she wished she’d had
the little successes they spoke of. She felt like they all
had more potential than she did just because they were
prettier and had each other for support and had made it on
this show.
Through her tears, though, Jany laughed. Big Date was
incredible; it shouldn’t be making her cry. It was a
primetime statement to the world that Jany, and women like
her, could be okay, that Jany could find love someday, that
Jany wasn’t meant to be overlooked just because she wasn’t a
typical woman. When the show was over and Jany finally fell
asleep, it was with renewed confidence over her date with
Tom. And with a cool, wet washcloth over her eyes, so he
wouldn’t know that she had spent the previous evening
crying.
Mala was chatty at work the next morning. Jany was
glad—listening to Mala’s banter held her nervous jitters at
bay. They talked about the newest series of paintings Mala
was working on for the gallery, and what they might do for a
holiday display. Mala wanted to have a Christmas eve
reception, maybe, early in the evening while people were
doing last minute shopping on the way to dole out gifts to
friends and family. Maybe have some high school kids doing
free gift wrapping and people could browse while they
waited. And then they talked about Mala’s latest conquest—a
woman this time, because “there’s nothing so soft and
sensual as a naked woman curled around you in bed.” Jany
blushed at that; Mala had a habit of sharing more than she
was comfortable hearing. Her wild tales, though, always
inspired Jany. Mala was just the kind of worldly,
self-assured woman that Jany dreamed of becoming.
Finally, Jany broke in shyly and told Mala about Michael’s
phone call, and about Big Love. She was always a little
uncomfortable bringing up her weight to thin people, because
they almost always either jumped in immediately with diet
tips or dismissed her, telling her that no one ever even
noticed her weight. Both reactions were equally
frustrating. But Mala was like a big sister to her.
“Honey, I don’t know why you don’t just give up the whole
online dating thing and settle down with Michael already.
You should see your face when you talk about him.”
“Because he doesn’t want me. Well, he says he does, but he
won’t let himself have me. Or something like that.”
“Pish posh. Seduce him.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not you. It’s not that
easy. Every man who’s ever laid eyes on you has wanted you,
and so have half the women. All you have to do to seduce
someone is look at them.”
“Might be true, not gonna lie, but if you opened up your
eyes and looked at a guy once in a while, you’d probably
find out the same thing applies to you. So when’s your next
date, by the way?”
Jany looked at her watch and let out a squeal.
“In twenty minutes, actually. I gotta go get cleaned up.
Holler if you need me.” Jany slid the order form she’d been
filling out into an envelope and slapped it on top of the
pile of outgoing mail. “By the way, Mala, I hate it when
people dismiss me like that. It really isn’t as easy as you
think—you wouldn’t know unless you’ve been in my shoes. Or
in my pants, I guess, ‘cause that’s the only way you’d
understand what it’s like to look like me.” She dashed into
the bathroom before she had to see Mala’s reaction to her
words..
Jany got to the deli where she was meeting Tom five minutes
early but a man slid into the chair across from her almost
immediately. He had dirty blond hair—dirty blond as in
blond hair that was a little stringy-looking, not hair that
was dirty blond in color—and pale, undefined blue eyes. His
body was nice; he was six inches or so taller than Jany and
had a bit of a belly, both attributes that she liked in a
man. The way that he carried himself, though, made her
think of a clumsy third grader who was extremely tall for
his age. And when he finally spoke, it was all Jany could
do to keep from bursting into a fit of giggles. He had the
voice of a third grader, too—high-pitched and unsteady,
overly loud with excitement. He sounded like a cartoon.
She forced herself to swallow her laughter. The last thing
she wanted to do was judge someone the way that she felt
judged.
“It’s great to meet you! How are you today?” he shouted.
“I’m doing well,” Jany told him, lowering her voice in the
hope that he’d follow suit. “How are you?”
“Better now that I’ve met you! I’m glad I worked things out
with Sarah so I could see you! She said as long as we both
know about it, we can see other people!”
“Oh. That was nice of her.” So he still wasn’t completely
up for grabs—Jany and the Sarah woman were supposed to
compete for his attention, just like the women on Big Date.
She was sort of glad she didn’t know what Sarah looked
like. This way, she could only compete based on personality
and attitude, which were areas in which she had a fighting
chance.
As they ate—Tom bought Jany’s lunch but spent ten minutes
complaining about the prices at these little places
downtown—Jany became more and more sure she wasn’t really
interested in winning his attention, though. Her first
impression of Tom had been that he was a little shady and
not exactly bursting at the seams with intelligence, and he
did nothing to alter that impression. His grammar wasn’t
the greatest, but Jany could have forgiven him that if he
hadn’t talked nonstop, spitting food from the corners of his
mouth as he did. Besides, most of his poorly spoken
sentences were about Sarah.
She grew mildly jealous listening to him, but mostly she was
just annoyed. By the end of the meal, she was tired of
hearing about Sarah and even more tired of being showered
with bread crumbs that came spewing out of Tom’s mouth.
When she had finished the last bite of her sandwich, she
zoned out and let Michael’s words play through her memory.
She held her breath for just a second before she interrupted
Tom mid-sentence.
“Hold on. I have to ask you something. You seem to be
pretty obsessed with Sarah. So, why are you here with me?”
Jany gritted her teeth in anticipation for an answer she
didn’t want to hear.
“Well, I don’t know.” Tom had the grace to blush before he
finished, “I guess it’s because you have bigger boobs. I’m
a boob man.”
Jany froze for just a minute, her thoughts and her emotions
and her stomach’s contents all swirling madly within her,
then surprised herself by laughing softly instead of crying.
“I really don’t know what to say to that. I’ve been
worrying for the last three days about impressing you and
all it took was having boobs?” Jany was beginning to see
what Michael had been trying to tell her. It wasn’t
necessarily her fault that some guys weren’t her type. It
wasn’t anyone’s fault. It just was, didn’t have
anything to do with being fat or shy or inexperienced. And
desperation and loneliness were not good reasons to
pretend. Not anymore, now that she knew the truth. Slowly
and carefully, Jany repeated Michael’s words to Tom. “I had
a wonderful lunch. Thank you. I don’t want to waste your
time, though; I don’t think we’re right for each other. But
tell Sarah she’s got herself a really nice guy.
Jany stood up and hugged Tom, then said good-bye and headed
back to work. She was relieved that he didn’t seem to be
upset. Michael was right. It had felt good. She looked
back once, a little wistfully, and then continued to more
forward. No use wishing for what wasn’t meant to be
anyway. And maybe Mala was right and she should focus on
Michael. Or maybe the premiere of Big Date would bring a
whole slew of new messages into her inbox. For once, Jany
felt that life held the promise of possibilities.
works best
when grating soft cheeses like mozzarella.)
