The Adventures of Phatgurl
by Emily Suzanne
Adventures Of Phatgurl
is a serial collection of stories about the adventures of Jany, a
plus-sized young woman who, in desperation, places an ad on a
personals website. As she embarks on her dates, she meets many
different kinds of men who expect many different things from her.
Some of her adventures are wildly amusing and others are more
serious and even sad.
If you have any
ideas or experiences, funny or otherwise, that you would like to see
depicted in a future Phatgurl story, please e-mail me at
I will do my very best to incorporate all reader ideas into future
The Ad (Part 2)
seeks SM who will not rape her, emotionally or otherwise.
The ability to both speak and write in complete sentences is
a plus. Must not inadvertently throw her down stairs or
pretend that she is “Mama.” Intelligent conversation, a
little respect, and the lack of a current significant other
will get you far. And a well-developed sense of humor won’t
hurt, either. If you like smart chicks with jelly bellies
and thunder thighs, reply to
Candidate 2.7: The
Subject: Hello, Hun
ad & thought u seemed like u would b a fun person.
I was looking thru them 2 c if I could find some1 2 b
my date. There
is a group that does dances & stuff for the plus-sized
community & they r having 1 next Saturday.
I’ve never gone 2 1 b4.
I’ve always wanted 2, but I don’t want 2 go alone.
Subject: Re: Hello, Hun
Sounds like fun.
We should probably talk a little more first to be
sure, but tentatively, yes.
I’d like that.
I’ve attached a pic-if you have one, I’d love to see
it. And tell me
a little more about yourself. -Jany
Subject: Re: Re: Hello, Hun
I m a nurse.
& no, I’m not gay, b4 u ask.
I get that a lot.
Other than that, I play a lot of video games and I
like comic books.
But I m not a geek, either.
I attached a pic 2, but don’t let it scare u off.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hello, Hun
Well, I don’t know what to say.
How old are you?
From the hip, urban context of your e-mails, and your
interests, and your job, I have to say I was expecting a
OK, that probably put you on the defense.
I didn’t mean to.
Age isn’t important to me, I was just surprised.
I like the pic, though.
I work in an art gallery as the assistant to the
owner. I’m into
art and books and nerdy things like that.
I’ll tell you more if we end up getting together.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello, Hun
Should have warned u.
I knew from ur pic that u were a bit younger.
How old r u?
I m 48.
Age doesn’t mean much 2 me tho.
If u still want 2 get 2gether 4 the dance, I’m cool.
U r pretty & seem smart 2, which is a turn-on 4 me.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello, Hun
I’m a bit younger than you, we’ll
just say that.
In the vicinity of two decades younger…lol.
Age isn’t of the greatest importance, though,
really, and you seem like a nice guy.
Despite your cryptic abbreviations, you seem
pretty intelligent, too.
Where and when is this dance Saturday?
I’ll meet you there.
And FYI, I’ve never been to one of these, either,
so it will be a new experience for me.
I did go to a size-positive club once, briefly,
but I was SO not ready for it and it weirded me out more
than anything else.
I think I’m ready now, though.
Jany’s cell rang just as she was getting on the bus
to head for the dance.
She was afraid to see who the caller was, afraid that
maybe it was Sam, calling to cancel their date.
Mala’s voice greeted her instead.
Was just checking in.
You all ready to have a good time at your little
“It isn’t some little dance, Mala.
These things are huge.
I checked it out online.
They’re expecting like five hundred people.
I guess helping fat people find love is big
And most of ‘em prob’ly aren’t lookin’ for love,
that’s what ya want, don’t let yourself get disappointed.
Sounds like a swinger’s paradise to me.
Anyway, I just wanted to wish you luck.
“Yeah, a little.
It’s just so weird to see a bunch of fat women all in
one place, acting like they’re normal.
I mean, it’s good weird, but when I went to that club
with the one guy, it got me all upset.
I think because maybe I was jealous that they all
felt like they could be normal and I didn’t yet.
But I’m better now.
And I don’t think it’s a swinger’s paradise.
I think you just have a good imagination.”
Have a good time, and
work that dance
I’ll talk to ya later.”
Jany slid her cell phone back into her pocket and
leaned against the bus window.
This was the big test.
Jany was used to being overlooked because of her
weight, or at least that was what she had always assumed was
the issue. But
at this dance, all of the women would be on pretty much
equal footing in that area.
So if Jany was overlooked tonight, it would be
because of some other flaw, not just her body.
And just maybe she wouldn’t be able to overcome that
flaw by looking for people online who appreciated it.
When Jany’s cell rang a second time, she didn’t think
to worry about it.
And of course, this call was from Sam.
I gotta problem.”
“Somethin’ came up.
I’m still plannin’ on goin’ to the dance, but I’m
gonna be an hour or so late.
My daughter’s havin’ car trouble and needs to be
Okay. I mean,
that’s fine, I understand.”
couldn’t be mad at you for being there for your daughter.
I’m gonna be lonesome at the dance ‘til you get
there, but I’ll live.
Do what ya need to do and give me a call when ya get
to the dance.”
Have fun without me, but not too much!”
“You got it.”
So now she had to walk into the dance by herself.
Alone among strangers.
What if no one talked to her?
Or what if they
did talk to
her—would she be able to talk back?
Here she’d thought she was getting so much better at
dealing with social situations and now she was turning right
back into her old self.
Jany vowed that even if she had to fake it, she was
going to appear confident and self-assured.
This was no time for the old Jany to make a reappearance.
Still, her knees were quaking when she walked up to
the door of the hotel where the dance was being held.
She had been inside for only seconds when disaster
freshly mopped floor inside the hotel was slippery, and
Jany’s unsteady knees were no match for it—one foot slipped
forward, the other slipped sideways, she scrambled briefly
to remain upright, and then she was on her knees on the
floor. Her face
burned more than her knees did.
Jany immediately flashed back to the night that one
of her blind dates (Pete?
Something like that.) had accidentally thrown her down the
pictured the crowd of concerned people around her, gawking
and buzzing with questions about her well-being but not
bothering to help her up.
That didn’t happen this time, though.
Instead, five or six men came running toward her from
all different directions.
One of them, a very attractive one of them, put an
arm around her shoulder as another one slipped an arm around
her waist. A
third took her hand and they had her on her feet in no time.
“You okay, darlin’?” someone asked.
Jany giggled nervously as the men all awaited her
“Yeah, I’m fine.
I—uh, I just like to make an entrance, I guess.”
Her attempt at humor worked.
They all broke into smiles, took turns wishing her
well, and dissipated back into the crowd.
Jany’s cheeks were flushed, but she was smiling.
She may have made a fool of herself, but she’s also
managed to talk to several very attractive men before she’d
been at the dance for even five minutes.
Men who had seemed happy to talk to her, even to help
her. It was a
brand new sensation.
Jany was still not quite up to walking boldly into
the ballroom alone, though, so she walked through the lobby
as she gathered her courage.
It felt awkward to just walk around looking at
people, so she pretended to herself that she was looking for
a bathroom. If
anyone asked if she was lost, she’d have an excuse for
wandering absently around.
When she found a bathroom and ducked inside, she was
greeted by a woman standing in front of a mirror in jeans
and a bra, her shirt pinned between her knees.
“Hi, there!” the woman said brightly.
“I hate these things!
I’m trying to adjust the straps and make it
stopped, leaving the bra dangling loosely over her
shoulders, and held a hand out for Jany to shake.
Jany hesitantly took the woman’s hand.
A handshake seemed a little formal in this situation.
“You come to these often?
I don’t remember you.”
“This is my first, actually.”
Okay, well, I’ll see you later.”
Time to escape; Jany was more uncomfortable hanging
out in the bathroom with a shirtless woman than she was
walking into the dance by herself.
She got the chills as she walked back through the
setting was so different than she was used to.
Here, she wasn’t afraid to meet men’s eyes as she
After all, who knew which of them might like her?
Out in the real world, that never seemed like a
Jany bought her ticket and entered the ballroom.
It was dark; only the dance floor, in the center of
the room, and the DJ, in front of it, were lit.
The rest of the room was filled with big, round
tables. It was
still early, so most of them had only two or three chairs
Standing against a wall in the back of the room, Jany felt
like a highschooler again.
It was just as hard to find the courage to ask anyone
if she could sit at their table as t had been back in
told herself that she was being silly, that this wasn’t like
people were all adults, and it was a fat-friendly
one was going to laugh at her or call her names or deny her
a place to sit.
She clenched her fists and approached a table at which only
one older woman was sitting.
“Um, excuse me.
Are these chairs taken?”
Jany’s heart raced as she awaited an answer, fully
aware that it was ridiculous to be so afraid of rejection
from a woman she didn’t even know.
“Only that one there,” the woman said.
“Any of the rest of ‘em are yours for the takin’.”
Then Cheryl, the woman from the bathroom, swooped
into the room and sat in the empty seat.
“Thanks for savin’ my seat, Janelle!” she said to the
other woman, then turned to Jany.
“Fancy meetin’ you here, newbie!”
She spun around to face the next table.
We got us a newbie!
This is Jany!”
Jany was suddenly surrounded by hands, male and
female, reaching out to welcome her.
Names were flying at her so fast she knew she’d never
remember any of them.
As soon as the inundation of introductions slowed,
Jany turned around to watch the dance floor.
It was still empty, but a short, wiry man was walking
across it. He
caught Jany’s eye, then looked down her entire body and back
up again in a way that gave Jany the shivers.
She flushed, but it got much worse when Cheryl fairly
screamed, “I think that guy likes ya, Jany!
Didja see ‘im checkin’ ya out?
Wish I got checked out like that, but I’m getting’ too old
for that shit.
Go get ‘im, tiger!”
“I—I think I’ll just see if he comes over here,” Jany
needed time to get over her shyness.
And only a few seconds later, he was walking toward
her. Except, he
was interrupted by another man who swooped in from the side.
“Excuse me, but would you like to dance?”
A hundred fleeting thoughts dashed through Jany’s
mind: If I dance with
him, he’ll have to touch me; he’ll feel how fat I am.
I don’t really know how to dance.
What if I’m so nervous I trip or something?
What if he starts talking and I don’t know how to
Jany shook her head to stop the thoughts.
Her biggest fear, that this night and this place
would be just like every other night and place in her life,
had been unfounded.
People really seemed to like her here.
The thought gave her courage.
would love to dance.”
The man pulled her close as they swayed to the slow
song the DJ was playing.
Jany never wanted the song to end; it felt good to
have someone’s arms around her.
It felt even better to know that for once, she was
one of the chosen ones.
When the song was over, the man escorted Jany back to
her seat and excused himself to get a drink.
As soon as he was gone, the wiry man who had been cut
off at the pass came over.
“Dance wit’ me?” he asked.
Jany stood up and followed him to the dance floor.
She danced three more times with three different men
before she decided she needed to sit down and catch her
breath. She was
trying to follow a conversation between Cheryl and Janelle
about a time when they had both been dating some guy named
Jared when her phone rang.
She almost laughed out loud.
Jany had been having so much fun that she’d forgotten
Sam was going to call.
She went outside to meet him at the door.
“Hey, there, how’s the dance?” he asked when he found
her. “You look
It’s pretty good.
Come on in.”
Sam bought his ticket and they made their way to the
Cheryl and Janelle’s table.
The short guy was sitting there, too, but when Sam
sat down next to Jany, he shrugged his shoulders and
It was hard to talk because the music was loud.
Jany was glad when Sam suggested they dance.
He gave off a vibe that didn’t suit her for some
reason, dancing gave her something else to focus on.
Her feelings about Sam did not improve.
She noticed that he never met her eyes and instead
always seemed to be looking up into the air over her right
did the same whenever he looked at anyone else.
They were dancing to their third or fourth song when
he leaned over and spoke.
“I’m not really like this, you know.”
“Uh—not like what?”
class. A year
ago, I was living in
in a three million dollar mansion.
I had a Beemer and a yacht and spent every night at
some sort of party.
Then I got laid off and had to move back here.
I looked for a job forever and couldn’t find one and
I finally decided to go back to school to be a nurse because
I found this scholarship thing that would pay my way if I
did. But back
in Connecticut, I used to just hand waitresses
hundred dollar bills as tips.
I had a custom made Corvette, but I never drove it.
I’d buy every woman I dated a fur coat for our first
He continued talking, but Jany stopped listening.
She didn’t care about his money, and wasn’t sure she
believed he’d ever been rich anyway.
And she’d been far more impressed with the fact that
he was a nurse than she now was with his attitude about
being one. She
noticed another man on the other side of the dance floor.
He was dressed in bright, flashy colors and wore a
She wished she was with him instead of Sam, because the
other guy looked like he was having the time of his life,
and Jany imagined that any girl who was there with him would
be having the same kind of night.
A little sadly, she turned back to Sam and tried, out
of politeness, to pretend she was having fun.
Like she often had before, she felt forced into
feigning attraction for a man just because he happened to
like her, and because there didn’t seem to be any better
Suddenly, she felt a hand on her elbow.
She turned toward it, half expecting it to be someone
she had bumped into as she was dancing, or maybe the short
Instead, it was the man she had just been admiring.
He didn’t say a word, just gently took her hand in
his and led her to the middle of the dance floor.
Halfway through the next song, he leaned over.
“I’m William,” he whispered, “And that guy wasn’t the
right one for you.
He was old and boring and you weren’t having any fun.
Have fun with me!”
Jany glanced toward Sam.
He was already dancing with another girl and didn’t
seem very upset at all.
And judging by the look on the girl’s face, he was
already sharing the same story with her that he had shared
with Jany. She
turned back to William.
He was the first man she had ever felt an instant
attraction to who had actually given her any attention.
“Okay,” she told William.
“I’d love to have a good ti