The Adventures of Phatgurl
by Emily Suzanne
Adventures Of Phatgurl
is a serial collection of stories about the adventures of Jany, a
plus-sized young woman who, in desperation, places an ad on a
personals website. As she embarks on her dates, she meets many
different kinds of men who expect many different things from her.
Some of her adventures are wildly amusing and others are more
serious and even sad.
If you have any
ideas or experiences, funny or otherwise, that you would like to see
depicted in a future Phatgurl story, please e-mail me at
I will do my very best to incorporate all reader ideas into future
The Ad (Part 2)
seeks SM who will not rape her, emotionally or otherwise.
The ability to both speak and write in complete sentences is
a plus. Must not inadvertently throw her down stairs or
pretend that she is “Mama.” Intelligent conversation, a
little respect, and the lack of a current significant other
will get you far. And a well-developed sense of humor won’t
hurt, either. If you like smart chicks with jelly bellies
and thunder thighs, reply to
Candidate 2.8: The Woman
Subject: I’m Not Sure How You’ll Take
My name is Selena.
I’m a bisexual BBW (I wanted to get that part out of
the way right away) and I came across your ad.
wish I’d thought of something witty like that.
I know you didn’t say anything about being into
girls, but…well, sometimes people don’t say that in their
profiles if they’re not really sure about it yet, and you
never know unless you ask.
So I’m asking.
I work at the library downtown.
I’m into reading and fashion and music and movies and
celebrity gossip, just to give you an idea of what I do with
my spare time.
And I’d like to meet you sometime if you want.
Don’t let me creep you out, though.
Feel free to just let me know if you’re not
understand if girls aren’t your thing.
Okay, let’s leave it at that and see
what happens. -Selena.
Subject: Re: I’m Not Sure How You’ll
I’m not interested.
I don’t think.
I have to tell you that I was actually
logging on to delete my account when I saw your e-mail.
It kinda stopped me in my tracks because it was so
almost just deleted it along with my profile, because the
last guy that I met was a freak and sort of stalked me.
Actually, the police got involved, but not because he
Anyway, I saw your name and you were obviously not a guy,
and something made me read your e-mail and now I haven’t
deleted my account.
I’m not bisexual.
Or a lesbian.
I don’t think.
I mean, I don’t think I’m bisexual.
I know I’m not a lesbian, because even though most
men hate me, I still like men.
boss is bi, and I’ve never had a problem with it or
never seemed weird to me.
I’ve never been attracted to a woman, though.
But the thought doesn’t gross me out or anything, so
maybe that means I really am bisexual.
I don’t know.
Wow, you have me in a tailspin.
I mean, what if everything’s always gone wrong with
men just because I was meant to be with a woman?
No, that’s silly.
I mean, I’ve had some good experiences with guys.
But I hate to say never.
Some of the guys I’ve gone out with?
I never should have gone out with them, but I did
anyway, just for the experience.
So maybe I should go out with you just for the
I mean, if nothing else, at least you’re not a bicycle
I’m still not sure, but I’m not saying
no. Oh, and I
work in an art gallery and am into music and reading, too.
So we do have some things in common.
Subject: Re: Re: I’m Not Sure How
You’ll Take This…
I know how you feel.
As far as not being sure if you’re bi or whatever, I
mean. I felt
the same way the first time I got together with a girl.
For me, it was back in high school, though.
A friend of my cousin’s had the hots for me, and I
was into being “alternative” so I went out with her.
I’m not a bicycle thief and I’ve never
been called a stalker yet.
Why don’t we get together some time.
We won’t call it a date.
We’ll just get together and see how things go.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: I’m Not Sure How
You’ll Take This…
Let’s just go to the mall or something.
I’m warning you, though, that even if we don’t
call it a date, I am probably going to be super nervous.
I get weird sometimes.
I’ve gotten a little better about it, but not
Mala pushed Jany toward the door.
Jany held her knees stiff, did her best to keep from
Finally, when Mala had just about pushed her over, Jany
But only to regain her balance.
“Jany, just go!
You are going to the mall to meet a new friend, not stepping
into a cage of hungry lions.
This is not a big deal.”
“But what if she tries to kiss me?
Mala, I can’t do this.
That’s all I’m gonna think about.”
You’re this freaked out about a kiss that hasn’t even
here a minute.”
Mala pursed her lips in Jany’s direction.
“I’ll kiss you if I have to.
Just to prove that a girl-kiss is no big deal.”
Jany sighed and stomped toward the door.
“You don’t get it.”
freak out way too easy.
And you’re acting like you’re three.
You’re meetin’ her in a mall, not a hotel room.
It’s not like she could rape ya even if she wanted
to. You’re the
one who says you’re lookin’ for a relationship and not just
sex, but you’re thinkin’ way too much about sex right now
for that to be true.”
“I am not!”
“If you weren’t thinking’ about sex, you’d be going,
‘Bye, Mala. I’m
going to meet my new friend at the mall.’
Instead, you’re going, ‘Mala, save me!
I’m going to meet a big bad lesbian who might make me
kiss her!’ See
“She’s not a lesbian.
“Shut up and just go have fun.”
Mala pushed Jany toward the door again, and this time
Jany let her.
At the mall, Jany paced outside of the main entrance
for a while. A
woman who was not as fat as Jany but still a little chubby
swaggered up to the door, dropped a cigarette on the
sidewalk, stepped on it with a twist, kicked it into the
grass, and disappeared into the mall.
Jany somehow knew it was Selena.
She stuck her hands in her pockets, sucked in her
stomach the way she always did when she was meeting someone
new, and followed the woman inside.
Proud of herself for taking the initiative, Jany
stepped toward the other woman and cleared her throat.
The woman swung around and started talking before
Jany had a chance.
“Hey—do you happen to be Jany?”
Jany sagged backwards, deflated.
“You sort of just stole the wind from my sail.
I was scared to death to meet you, just so you know,
and I was feeling all proud because I found the courage to
ask you if you were you, but then you asked me if I was me
and I didn’t get to, and now you don’t have to believe I’m
the kind of person that could find the courage to make a
first move and I’m rambling.
I hate when I do that!
If I’m listening to you ramble, I’m not rambling.
Wanna go get a drink and sit down?”
Jany couldn’t think of a thing to say once they were
seated, and obviously Selena couldn’t either, because they
sat without talking.
Jany looked at her cup, the neon signs on the walls,
the people around them, the floor, anything but Selena.
Finally, carefully, she raised her head just enough
to peer at Selena over the top of her Coke cup.
Selena was looking at Jany, too.
Their heads pivoted in different directions and Jany
absent-mindedly pressed her cup against her face to cool her
What if Selena thought Jany had been checking her out?
Even though the room was full of noise, there seemed
to be a bubble of silence around the table Jany and Selena
With every second that passed, the bubble seemed more
Finally, Jany decided to test her voice.
No matter what she said, it couldn’t be any more
uncomfortable than the silence.
She stopped when she realized that Selena had started
speaking at the same time.
Said the same words, even..
I’m trying so hard here and you’re never gonna give me a
chance to talk first, are you?”
Go ahead,” Selena said, laughing.
Jany thought, for a second, that she had never heard
laughter as beautiful as Selena’s.
Then she panicked.
Did that make her a lesbian?
Selena was waiting for her to talk.
“I was just going to ask how your day was.”
I spent most of it stocking shelves.
That’s pretty much what I do for the first few days
of the month, ‘cause that’s when we get the new magazines.”
uh—well, to be honest, I have no idea what I did today.
I was so nervous about meeting you that it was all a
“You were nervous about meeting
am so not worth being nervous about.”
“Funny, I tell people that all the time.
About me, I mean.”
“You’re nervous-worthy, I promise.”
Jany jumped a little at Selena’s compliment—had it
been a compliment?—and then forced herself to pay attention
when she realized Selena was still talking.
“So how has the personals thing been working for
mean, I’ve met a lot of guys, but most of them aren’t
“I know what you mean.
I’ve met a few guys and a few girls, but to be
honest, I haven’t met any girls I really like that much, and
most of the guys only liked me ‘cause they knew I liked
“Yeah, I can see that.
Guys can be weird.
I mean, heck, look at the bicycle thief guy.
Or the guy that wanted to call me mama.
Or the guy that wanted me to move in with him the day
after our first date.
Our only date, actually.”
“I’ve never had any that weird, but the guys have
mostly been, like, ‘Hey, you meet many girls with your ad?’
and I tell them I’ve met a few, and then they generally ask
if I think any of them would wanna join us in bed.
I’m all like, ‘No, prob’ly not, since I have no
intention of ever being in your bed’.”
They talked for a while longer, then got up and
wandered through the mall.
“You know, the last time I came to this mall to meet
someone, the dude asked me to give him a blow job in there,”
Jany told Selena as they walked past the theater.
“Speaking of weird dates.”
“Oh my god, really?
I totally promise I won’t do that!”
“Well, gee, that makes me feel better.”
They both laughed.
“Did you?” Selena asked.
“Did I what?”
“Did you blow guy?”
“Good god, no!
I mean, getting arrested for performing lewd acts in
public didn’t exactly make my bucket list, and anyway, I am
so not good
enough at it to do it in public!”
“You’re too funny.
I like your sense of humor.
You don’t exactly have a high opinion of yourself,
though, do you?”
“What do you mean?
I think I’m okay.”
“I just noticed that you, like, cut yourself down a
lot. You laugh
and stuff, but you still do it.
And you how you were so nervous about meeting me?
You shouldn’t have been that worried about it.
You’re a lot of fun.
And you’re pretty, too.”
Jany couldn’t think of anything to say to that.
You’re really pretty.”
“Um, thank you?
I really just don’t know what to say.”
“No, I’m serious.
What makes you think you’re not?”
“Look at me.
I’m fat and lumpy and bumpy and—”
“Tell me something.
Do you think I’m ugly?”
“No, of course not.”
“What makes me not ugly?”
“Go out on a limb.
Tell me what you like about me.
About how I look.
I promise I have a good reason for asking you—it’s
not, like, just to make you compliment me or something.”
“Okay, um—your hair is really pretty, and your eyes.
And your skin looks super smooth.
And—and you look sort of soft.
Like it would feel good to touch you.”
“I’m just as fat and lumpy and bumpy as you are.
So if you believe those things about me, you have to
believe them about you too.
If I catch myself dissing myself, I’m always like,
‘Would I say whatever I just said about myself about a
the answer is almost always no.
I mean, I’d never tell a friend I thought her jeans
made her legs look like fire hydrants, or that she was so
ugly no one would ever want to be with her.
So why shouldn’t I be my own friend and refuse to say
things like that about myself, too?”
mean, you’re right.
I never really thought about it like that before.
You’re pretty smart.”
“There’s nothing special about me.
I was just lucky enough to hear all that crap from my
counselors back in the day.
I started seeing them when I was like twelve because
I just happened to have a terrible self image and a single
mother without much to focus on but me who wanted to make my
father pay for things like counseling just because he was an
not like I’m this—evolved, or whatever you want to call it,
all on my own.
And I called it crap, but this stuff is true, really.
I mean, it all makes sense.
At least, that’s what my therapist tells me.”
“I don’t—wow, I really don’t know what to say.
I’m not used to talking to people about stuff like
sometimes people like me need to hear from people like you.
Thanks, I think.”
“Glad to be of service.
Now let’s try this again.
You’re pretty, Jany.”
“See, I still don’t really know how to respond,
So are you.
Is that better?”
Hey, do you wanna go for a ride, maybe grab dinner
They had dinner at place that Selena knew, where the
food was really great and the room was dark enough that no
one noticed Jany’s face flush when Selena pulled her chair
out for her.
Selena ordered a glass of wine and offered one to Jany as
well, and Jany accepted even though she hated wine, because
it seemed like wine might dull the minor twinges of panic
she was feeling over sharing such an intimate, almost
romantic dinner with Selena.
Jany thought her nerves must be buzzing audibly by
the time Selena delivered her home.
Somehow, though, she found the courage to speak.
Would you take it the wrong way if I asked if you wanted to
come upstairs for a while?
Watch TV or something?
It’s still early and I don’t feel like sitting around
by myself all night.
I’m kind of—well, I just really don’t feel like being
“If, by take it the wrong way, you mean think you’re
trying to seduce me, then no.
And I’d love to hang out some more.”
The pair settled on Jany’s couch and found an old
Kevin Costner movie to watch.
When it was over, an infomercial came on and they
watched it without really paying attention.
“Hey, Jany?” Selena finally said.
“I have to get going pretty soon, but—well, I
mean—you said you didn’t have anything against—and you
weren’t sure if you were bi—and so maybe you should
just—well, if you want to try, I’d like to—you have really
Jany felt the blood drain from her face, and the room
started spinning as Selena leaned toward her.
When their lips touched, Jany jerked back, instantly
The blood rushed back into Jany’s face and pounded in
her ears. It
made it difficult to concentrate on what she was trying to
wasn’t—rejecting you or whatever.
I was just surprised.
I—god, I don’t know what to do or say, but I didn’t
mean to make you feel bad or anything.”
Jany turned sideways so that she was sitting upright
on the couch, one knee tucked in front of her, facing
was looking at the TV and Jany easily recognized the look on
her face—it was an expression of expressionlessness.
The same one Jany wore almost constantly so she
wouldn’t feel vulnerable.
She decided that there was only one way to make it up
to Selena, and only one way to satisfy her curiousity.
Before she could change her mind, Jany leaned forward
and placed her lips on Selena’s for just a second.
Then she sunk back into the couch.
“That was scary,” she said quietly, then waited for
Selena didn’t offer one.
Instead, she remained focused on the infomercial.
Jany stared at the TV, too, but without really paying
or no wine, her nerves had no intention of calming down.
“How did you like it?” Selena finally asked, when the
“It was kinda stupid.
I mean, I wouldn’t pay eighty bucks for something
“The kiss, Jany.
You know what I meant.”
was—well, let’s just say if it was bad, I wouldn’t be this
“I know what you mean.”
I really didn’t mean to pull away like that the first
time. God, this
is weird for me, mostly because it’s not as weird as I
thought it would be.
I—do I have to decide what it all means right now,
Shit takes time.”
See, the thing is, I’ve met a lot of guys.
I mean, a lot.
And I’ve never had a second date with any of them.
I’ve just gone out with them and not liked them, but
that might have been my fault because I’m a basket case, or
I’ve been afraid of them, or I’ve just not had the guts to
contact them again.
I figured they’d get a hold of me if they liked me,
but maybe they didn’t know if I liked them and that’s why
I’m not very good at letting people know I like them.
But I like you.
I feel more comfortable with you than with any of
them even though I’m scared to death, and I don’t know if
it’s because you’re a girl or because you’re a
girl, or just
because I like you, and I just don’t feel like I know
anything right now.”
“Well, I know that I like you, girl or not.
I’d like to see you again.
But maybe what you should do is contact some of those
guys again. The
ones you kinda liked.
And we can see each other more, too.
Instead of making it a mission to just date all kinds
of people until you find a good one, make it your mission to
find the good things in the people you date.
Maybe that’ll help you, like, figure things out or
I could try.
It’s really scary for me contacting people though.
I’m kind of a mess.
You are way smarter than me with all this stuff—what
makes you so smart when I’m such a dunce?”
you: lots of therapy!”