The Adventures of Phatgurl
by Emily Suzanne
Adventures Of Phatgurl
is a serial collection of stories about the adventures of Jany, a
plus-sized young woman who, in desperation, places an ad on a
personals website. As she embarks on her dates, she meets many
different kinds of men who expect many different things from her.
Some of her adventures are wildly amusing and others are more
serious and even sad.
If you have any
ideas or experiences, funny or otherwise, that you would like to see
depicted in a future Phatgurl story, please e-mail me at
I will do my very best to incorporate all reader ideas into future
SWSSBBW seeks SM
who will not rape her, emotionally or otherwise. The ability to
both speak and write in complete sentences is a plus. Must not
inadvertently throw her down stairs or pretend that she is “Mama.”
Intelligent conversation, a little respect, and the lack of a
current significant other will get you far. And a well-developed
sense of humor won’t hurt, either. If you like smart chicks with
jelly bellies and thunder thighs, reply to
Candidate 2.8: The Woman - continued
Jany nervously pushed the intercom button by
“Come on up.”
Then she turned to Mala, who was draped over her couch.
“Don’t say anything about her being a lesbian.
Or bi or whatever.
And don’t talk about the fact that I went out with her.
In fact, don’t say anything at all unless you’re asked a
direct question, ‘kay?”
“I’m pretty sure she already knows she’s a lesbian, but I’m
not gonna suggest any of us go hop in the sack or anything, so you
need to just chill the hell out already.
Relax. I’m sure I’ll
get along with your little plaything—sorry, with this Selena
Jany glared at Mala and then tried to recompose herself when
she heard a knock at the door.
She let Selena in.
“Hey, good to see you again!
And you must be Mala.
I’m Selena. How’s
it going?” Selena’s
whirlwind of chatter and obvious lack of nerves, and Mala’s lack of
nerves, too, finally calmed Jany a little.
“Come on in, have a seat,” she managed, then shoved Mala’s
legs off the couch and sat down.
Selena dropped an armload of bags on the floor and collapsed
onto the recliner.
“So, girls, what’s up?
This is so cool.
It’s been, like, forever, since I’ve been to a slumber party.”
“I bet you loved sleepovers with your girlfriends when you
were—” Mala began, but stopped when Jany’s elbow landed firmly on
the center of her belly.
She rolled her eyes and continued.
“A kid. I know I
did, but it’s been so long I can hardly remember.”
“Yeah. Those were
the good ol’ days. So
what’s the plan?”
“Yeah, what’s the plan?” Jany echoed.
“I’m just here because Mala said I should be.”
“Um, and ‘cause you live here.
You said you and Selena had a little convo about how you
should see some of the guys you went out with again, but you didn’t
seem too sure, so I thought the three of us could get together and
set out a plan. Simple
“Well, do you still have the, like, responses or whatever,
from the guys? Like, the
letters you got and stuff?”
“Then it seems like we should start by looking over those.”
Jany got her laptop from her bedroom and the three women all
settled on the couch.
Jany logged in to Personalz.com, went to her inbox, and scrolled
back to the very first letter she’d received.
She began to read the letter out loud, but her face flushed
and she stopped after the first sentence.
“So is this a good silent pause or a bad silent pause?”
Selena peered over Jany’s shoulder to read the message on the
“I—I think a bad one.
I don’t want to see this guy again.
I can’t. I was so
“Oh, shut up, Jany.
You were fine.
Tell us about him.”
“I lost my virginity to him.”
Jany was barely whispering.
“And I didn’t want to.”
Mala and Selena spoke at once:
“How old were you
when you placed this ad?”
“He raped you?”
“It was like a year and a half or two years ago.
Not everyone’s a supertramp like you, Mala, if you’ll forgive
me for saying so. I was
trying to hold out for love.
Not that there was anyone trying to convince me to mess
around anyway. And no,
he didn’t exactly rape me.
I didn’t say no.
I wanted to, though, I was just too scared.
I wanted someone to like me, let me feel like a woman for
“Well, you definitely gotta see him again.”
Mala challenged Selena with her eyes, waiting for an
argument. She got one.
“I don’t think she does need to see him again.
He practically raped her!”
“She gotta see how far she’s come since then, if she can
handle this guy now.”
“No, she doesn’t.
I know exactly what my therapist would say if I was in this
situation. This guy
obviously didn’t have her best interest in mind and he’ll totally
mess with her self esteem.”
“But if she goes back and seduces him now, think of the power
Are you, like, totally not listening?
He practically raped her.”
“She didn’t say no.
Not rape if you don’t say no.”
“It can be, yes it can!
If a woman feels pressured into sex, it’s just as good as
“She was young and immature.
Sleeping with him was the right thing to do.”
“You are horrible!”
“Hey, you guys?
I’m sitting right here!”
Mala and Selena stopped fighting and turned toward Jany.
They both had the grace to flush a little.
“It wasn’t really rape.
I didn’t give him a single indication that I wanted to say
no. But he was all
touchy-feely and grabby right away.
Like right away.
He didn’t even take me to dinner first, like he said he was
“Okay, well, to be fair, a lot of guys are like that.
Most of them only think about one thing.
Which is why it is our responsibility as women,
Mala, to refuse to give
our attention to the ones who don’t respect us.”
“I still think she—you—should see him again.
Because what if he’s a really good guy who just likes sex?
He was sure as hell attracted to you.
Why wouldn’t you want to see him again?
Come on. Maybe we
could double date so it’d be safer or whatever.”
Like you’d bring one of your harem along?
That might be dangerous.”
“No, no, no. I
meant me and Selena and you and this guy.”
“Bob. And I
really don’t think that would be the best idea.
Having dinner with lesbians would most likely be too much for
him. He’d probably wind
up humping someone’s leg under the table or something.”
“I’m not a lesbian, I’m just an equal opportunity—”
“I know what you are, Mala, and you know very well what I
“Well, then, invite him to be your date to my next gallery
show or something. We’ll
be here, or I will anyway. it’ll be safe, and you can find out if
he’s really an asshole or if you were just too inexperienced to deal
with him last time.”
“Okay, okay, I’ll put him on the maybe list.”
Jany returned her attention to the computer and looked at the
“No to this guy, Michael.
He lives clear across the country and I still talk to him all
the time, but he won’t meet me.”
“Mala, did you just see her face when she read that guy’s
message, the way it, like, lit all up?
She is totally in love with him!”
“Oh, she is. She
talks about him constantly.”
“Girls, I’m still in the room!
Yes, I do kinda have a thing for him, but it’s a moot point.
“Okay, fine, but I think you need to put some pressure on
Michael. He might be
“I’ll keep that in mind, but for the sake of this project or
whatever it is, he goes on the no list.
Okay, what do you guys think about this guy?
I went to a dance with him and he accidentally threw me down
the stairs. Completely
oblivious, boring, super awkward, but also a really, really nice
guy, and polite. I
definitely don’t foresee any romance between us, but I might like to
see him again. You know,
be friends or whatever.”
“Nah, toss him.
He sounds abusive.”
“No, it was really an accident.
I’m not saying that in an abused woman who doesn’t want to
admit it kind of way, he is just completely clueless.”
“Didja feel a spark?”
“No, no spark. I
just sort of feel sorry for him.
And he is
intelligent, which is hard to find in a guy.”
“He’s a no, then.
Call him up and hang with him or whatever, but you have to make it
abso-freakin’-lutely clear you’re not gonna sleep with him.”
“That would be great, Mala.
If I even suggested I had thought about sleeping with him,
the poor guy’d pee his pants.
But you’re right.
As far as dating goes, he’s a no.”
“Jany, how many of these dudes do you have?
‘Cause, like, so far, you’ve got one barely maybe and two
nos. Are there any guys
that even might be yeses?”
“Yeah, just wait.
I didn’t set my sights very high in the beginning.
It gets better. I
mean, look at this guy.
He wanted to call me Mama and started playing with himself while we
were watching TV.”
“Oh, yeah. He was
great. If I ever decide
I want to date an infant, he’s the guy for me.”
“Puh-lease tell me he’s a no?”
“Without a doubt.
Oh, and Jamesh! I forgot
all about Jamesh. Well,
James, really. He was a
step up, I think, because he was mentally twelve or so years old.”
Mala already knew the story of James’ awkward, oversexed
advances, so she ordered pizza while Jany filled Selena in.
She kept herself busy until she heard Jany moving on to
“Okay, the guy after him, Dale?
I think he might be a yes.
We had some awkward moments—he’s the one I told you about,
Selena, that tried to get me to give him head at the mall—but we
talked after that and actually had a really good time.
And no, Mala, he didn’t get what he wanted, before you ask.
But he was sort of—I don’t know, I think I could learn from
him. He was the first
guy that called me on my lack of self esteem, so he has to be a
little bit evolved,
anyway. And he’s funny.”
“Okay, he’s a yes.
But if he wants head in a public place this time, go for it.
Makes a better story.
I’m starting to get bored.”
“Sorry I’m not as off-the-wall as you are, Mala.”
“I’ll live with it.”
“You two have, like, a totally awesome relationship for being
a boss and an employee or whatever, ya know that?
Like, you seem like really good friends.
‘Cause otherwise, you woulda gotten all pissy and left by
now, Mala, and you would be way fired, Jane.
I always manage to hate my bosses.”
“Oh, I think we’ve just gotten used to each other is all.”
“I ain’t used to shit.
I just suck at cleaning and book-keeping, and you keep me in
line at the gallery.”
“That’s great. I
love you guys. Okay,
Jany, back to work. Who
came after Dale, our first yes of the evening?”
“Another guy from way far away.
I keep in touch, but unless I become a zillionaire, I’ll
never meet him. And the
guy after him? I met him
on his break at work and we made out in his car.”
“Whoo hoooo, Jany!
Way to go, girl!
Was it good enough for him to be a yes?”
“Well, yeah. At
least it was until his girlfriend started banging on the window and
threatening my life and his.”
“Yeah, I remember when that happened.
Jany was scared to death at work for like a week.
Every time the door opened,
she screamed like a little bitch and ran for the office ‘cause she
thought some chick was gonna come beat her up.”
“I wasn’t that bad.
But she was bigger and meaner than I was!
Oh, wait. This
guy, the one after that?
Totally a yes.
I really liked him.
He scared me to death, though.
He was a feeder, and since I could barely handle the fact
that I was fat, that scared the crap outta me.
But he took me to this really cool plus-positive club, and—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down. What
are you talking about?”
“Sorry, Selena. I
was just like you when I met this guy: confused as heck.
I didn’t have a clue what any of it meant.
That’s why I’ve never seen him again, but he was definitely
cool. He was a feeder,
though. A guy who is
into helping and seeing women gain weight.
He likes really big women.
I am not even big enough for him, but he said a good
personality could make it work anyway, maybe.
He took me to this place called Club Bubbles that’s a club
for fat people and anyone who has a thing for us.”
“Yeah, I thought so too, but I mean—some people are into
blondes and some people are into short chicks and some people are
into long legs, so why not fat people?”
“Oh, that doesn’t seem weird.
I mean, I go to gay clubs all the time, which is sort of the
same concept. I just
meant the feeder thing is strange.
But, like, whatever floats your boat.”
“Yeah. He was a
lawyer. I mean, he was
smart, a really great guy.
He just freaked me out ‘cause he exposed me to so many new
“Didja do him?”
“No, Mala. I did
not ‘do’ him. But I have
to admit, I’d kinda like to.”
Jany looked down to hide her red face.
“Yee haw! That’s
the attitude!” Mala whooped.
“We’re finally getting’ ya out of your shell!”
“Mala, as long as you’re up and stuff, could you go let the
pizza guy in?” Selena
reached in her pocket and stuffed a handful of crumpled up money
into Mala’s hand. “I’m
pretty sure I heard the doorbell while you were hootin’ and hollerin’
there.” Selena turned to
Jany as soon as Mala was busy,
“Wow, she is a trip!
It must be, like, really great working for someone like
“I wouldn’t say great all the time, but she keeps things
interesting. We—we have
“I bet you do.
How old is she?”
“Oh, boy. Old
enough to be your mother, Selena.
And she’s been around.
You don’t want—”
“I just thought she seemed like a really cool person for her
age, Jane. I totally
don’t want to date her.
Just because I’m bi doesn’t mean I want every woman I see.
You are way more my type.”
thanks?” Jany was
relieved that Mala came back with the pizza at that moment.
She just hoped Mala hadn’t seen Selena wink at her, or seen
her face flush bright red for just a second.
Mala and Selena piled pizza onto their plates while Jany
focused her attention on her computer screen again.
Or tried to, anyway,
“This is where things start getting better.
Because after the feeder guy, I was so freaked out that I
took a little break, and I kinda figured out that maybe I needed a
better ad to help find better guys.
So, I wrote a new one.”
“Did it help? And
have some pizza, will ya?”
“Can you grab me a couple?
I wanna get through this.
I think it helped, yeah.
Frank, the first guy that answered that ad, was really cool.
He was super smart.
He took me to a gay bar and a porn—never mind.”
“Jany! You can
never say the phrase ‘he took me to a porn’ and then, like, just
“A porn shop. And
a liquor store, okay?
And then a whore house, actually.
Not to hire a whore or anything.
Just to—well, you know.
He rented a room.”
“Wha—? You did
what? Jany Whatever
Allen! How dare you?
Do you have, like, any idea how dangerous that was?
Can you just imagine what my therapist would say if I said I
did that? Holy hell!
How could you?”
“Give it a rest, Selena.
She had a great time, her face was glowing for a week.
She didn’t get AIDS, nothing bad happened, I say they shoulda
got a hooker too and got a threesome goin’ on.
You young kids are way too prudish.”
“Mala, you are truly a sick and twisted individual.
I suppose you think she should see this loser again?”
“Uh, yeah. Why
not? Hot sex is hot sex.
She ain’t had nearly enough of that.
That’s her problem.
I mean, if she got laid more, she’d be way happier and more
confident, and way less jealous of me when I tell her all my
“You think she’s jealous of you?
There is no way—”
“Why do you two keep forgetting I’m here?
This is getting frustrating!
Frank wasn’t that bad; he never pushed me or anything.
I did some stupid things, but I had a good time.
I wanted to break away from myself, really be someone
different. I was
depressed as hell and just needed to get over myself.
And I did. So I
think I’d like to see him again.
But I’m not jealous of you, Mala.
Not for all the guys you sleep with.
For how easy it is for you, maybe, but that’s just not my
style. And if you two
could remember I’m in the room, maybe you’d know more about what my
Mala and Selena stared at Jany for a minute, then all three
of them started laughing.
“All right, we’ll try to be good.
This is, like, way more fun than I even thought it’d be.
The three of us make a good team.
Kinda like the Three Stooges.”
“Yeah, but instead of poking each other in the eyes, we poke
each other in the ego and stuff.”
“Okay, back to work.
I’m barely following you two anymore.”
Mala sat back down and looked over at the screen.
“We got three yeses now, right?
“Don. I really,
really want to see him again.
I saw this sign when I was leaving him, about hunting?
Or about not hunting baby deer, I guess.
It said ‘Let ‘em go, let ‘em grow,’ on it, and I remember
thinking it was perfect about him.
Except, maybe I had to grow, too.
And now maybe we both have.
I actually just want to see him because our date was so
weird, and I want to see how things would go now that I’m a little
more grown up about everything.”
“Is he the guy that made you shave his head and clean his
house and took off on you at that casino?”
“Yep, that’s him.”
“He did what?”
“Oh, it’s a long story.
He just wasn’t there when I showed up but he called my cell
and told me to go ahead in and make myself comfortable and clean his
apartment for him, then he wanted me to shave his head but he fell
asleep while I was and only woke up a couple times to tell me I
screwed up. I kept
having these fantasies about shaving his ears off and stuff.”
“I bet—what an ass!
Why would you, like, want to see him again?”
“Just for fun. I
kinda wanna give him a taste of his own medicine.”
“I say you have him here this time, girl.
Get him into your territory.
Hell, I could come over and we could say we’re gonna have a
threesome and see how much we can scare him!”
“Mala, if I hear you say threesome one more time tonight, I
swear I’m gonna punch you.
Put your hormones away and focus!”
Maybe Jany and I should, like, tell you we’re gonna have a threesome
tonight and see how much we can scare ya.”
“Give it up. It
won’t scare her. If you
were to actually say that, I bet she’d be naked before you got the
whole sentence out. So
let’s just get through this.
I only have four guys on my yes list and I’m already getting
They shoved aside the pizza box and crowded in front of
Jany’s laptop, all reading the next response together.
“Wow. Was that,
like, really that guy’s girlfriend that sent you the letter from his
apologized and everything, and then suggested I see a friend of his.
And then like a month later, I ended up going out with him
anyway. I consider those
two sort of a package deal, and I don’t think I should see either
one of them again.”
“Oh, come on. You
owe the super shy one a chance.
Isn’t he the guy that wanted to move you in and marry you,
and you just took off out of his apartment like a freak?”
“Yes. And I feel
bad about it. But I’m
not sure what to do.”
“Hey, I have a totally awesome idea!
Why don’t you call the other dude, the one with the
girlfriend, and see if he wants to double with his girlfriend and
the other guy. Then you
can sort of, like, make amends, but you won’t be alone with him, and
you’ll be showing the other guy he didn’t hurt you or whatever by
having the girlfriend.
You’ll look all confident and strong and you’ll feel better ‘cause
you can fix things with the other guy, even if it’s just to let him
know he’s not a bad guy but you just don’t wanna marry him.”
“That actually makes sense, Jany.
And then the four of you could—”
“When I said don’t say threesome, Mala, that warning should
have included foursome and orgy as well.”
“Okay, fine. The
four of you can have a perfectly nice, innocent little evening
“Good idea. Okay,
the next guy was Trent, and he was so cool he scared me away
‘cause I thought he was too good for me.
One of you guys has to sit with me while I write to him, but
he’s a yes. He took me
to see Rocky Horror—and I did
not have an orgy with anyone in the audience, Mala—and we had a
blast. After him was
this older guy who totally dissed me because he thought I was too
fat, but he told me he was way younger than he was.
We never even went out, he just took off, but that same day I
met this guy I really liked at the park.
I don’t know.
Maybe I should see that guy.
He gave me his number.
I just don’t know if he’d really be interested or not.
I don’t know if he’s into big—well, people like me.
He seemed nice.
But we never talked. I
mean, not after we met.
We had coffee together.
And exchanged numbers.
But he never called. If
he wanted to see me, he could have called.
I have his number—”
“Damn, Jany, get a grip!
Call him. He’s
probably just as freaked out as you are and scared to call, but the
way you’re going on about him, you are going to call him, ‘cause
otherwise we’ll never hear the end of it.
Yes list. Next?”
Jany sheepishly wrote his name down before she looked back at
“I went to this plus-positive dance—you know, like that club
I was talking about before?
I went with this guy named Sam and he was a total bore, but I
met another guy there, William.
He cut in while I was dancing with Sam, actually.
We never went out.
What do you guys think?”
“Was he, like, a cool guy?
I mean, did you like him for real, or just because he cut in
“I don’t know. I
really don’t know anything about him.
We danced a few times and he hugged me goodbye, gave me his
number, and left. But he
was hot. Instant
“Somehow I knew you’d say that, Mala.”
“This is all about empowerment.
By going out with all these guys on your terms, you’re
proving your prowess as a woman.
Why stick with guys you know?
Go big or go home.”
“Okay, fine. He’s
a yes. Next up, crazy
bicycle thief. Old guy.
Creepy. You both
know the story. No way.
And then—” Jany
stopped in her tracks and Mala and Selena leaned in for a closer
look at the screen.
“So, whatcha gonna do about that last one?” Mala asked,
smirking. Jany’s face
flushed bright red and she buried her face in her hands.
“Don’t ask,” she said, her voice muffled.
“If you asked me out, I’d say yes,” Selena whispered.