The Adventures of Phatgurl
by Emily Suzanne
Adventures Of Phatgurl
is a serial collection of stories about the adventures of Jany, a
plus-sized young woman who, in desperation, places an ad on a
personals website. As she embarks on her dates, she meets many
different kinds of men who expect many different things from her.
Some of her adventures are wildly amusing and others are more
serious and even sad.
If you have any
ideas or experiences, funny or otherwise, that you would like to see
depicted in a future Phatgurl story, please e-mail me at
I will do my very best to incorporate all reader ideas into future
SWSSBBW seeks SM
who will not rape her, emotionally or otherwise. The ability to
both speak and write in complete sentences is a plus. Must not
inadvertently throw her down stairs or pretend that she is “Mama.”
Intelligent conversation, a little respect, and the lack of a
current significant other will get you far. And a well-developed
sense of humor won’t hurt, either. If you like smart chicks with
jelly bellies and thunder thighs, reply to
Jany looked at the
piece of paper she was holding.
Bob, it said at
Guy who kinda raped me.
Paul- threw me down the stairs.
Dale- wanted bj in mall.
The whole list was there, all the guys she and Mala and
Selena had decided she needed to ask out.
But who should she ask first?
Not Bob. This
was nerve-wracking enough without having to deal with someone who'd
been so aggressive with her, or so inconsiderate of her feelings.
And not Haroon, the guy she'd met in the park after her
disastrous date with the guy who'd lied about his age.
Jany still lacked the confidence to ask someone out just out
of the blue. At least
the rest of the guys had gone out with her already.
Don, maybe? She
didn't care that much what he thought of her, so it wouldn't bother
her too much if he turned her down.
Or Paul, because he would be far more nervous than she would.
Even though Mala and Selena had voted him off the list, Jany
had added his name after all.
She felt sorry for him, in a way.
His awkwardness had to be crippling.
And he'd been a really nice guy.
Jany thought briefly about asking Selena out first, but they
hung out all the time now anyway, so that seemed sort of like
cheating. Besides, she
wasn't entirely sure about the whole dating-a-girl thing yet.
So Paul it was.
She circled his name on the list and sat down at her computer.
I don't know if you still have your account here anymore,
but I thought I'd try it.
I never got a hold of you after the night we went out,
and I'm sorry. It
wasn't that I didn't like going out with you, just that I
figured if you didn't get ahold of me, it meant you didn't want
to see me again.
But I've realized I never really gave any of the guys I met a
chance because I was so scared and insecure.
So, I'm trying to fix that.
Anyway, I was just wondering if you'd want to get
together again sometime.
Even with the whole ankle thing, I enjoyed myself at the
dance. Look forward
to hearing from you.
Jany forced herself to get up and walk away from her
computer. No sense just
sitting there and waiting for a response when she didn't know if
Paul even had his account anymore, and even if he did, he was
probably not staring at his computer screen awaiting an e-mail from
her. Or maybe he'd even
met someone. Maybe he
was sitting next to a beautiful woman, holding her hand, enjoying
her company. Jany's
eyes teared up at the thought.
It wasn't fair that someone as awkward and weird as Paul
could find someone when she couldn't.
Then she laughed at herself and wiped away her tears.
It was mildly insane to get all upset over something she'd
completely made up, something that may or may not have any basis in
Michael should know about this.
Jany suddenly had an urge to talk to him, to tell him how
brave she'd gotten, that she was asking guys out and taking risks.
And besides, talking to him would help her get over her
insecurity over Paul's relationship status.
She dialed his number and smiled when he answered.
"Hey, it's Jany."
"How are things, babe?"
"Pretty great, actually.
I just asked someone out for the first time in my whole life.
This is pretty exciting.
I'm going back through all the guys I've met through the
personals ad and contacting the better ones, because I never made
any contact in any of them after my first meetings.
I expected them to do all the work and when they didn't, I
assumed they didn't like me.
But I'm trying to find the courage to prove myself wrong.
Or at least try."
That's good to hear, Jane, but be careful.
You know a lot of these guys weren't the cream of the crop,
right? You recognize
"Well, of course I do.
I'm only calling the ones that weren't creeps."
"Even some of the ones that weren't creeps weren't right for
you, you know. You can
do far better than any of them.
Don't sell yourself short.
You have no idea what the future has in store for you, and
you can't settle for any less than a man who can help you take
advantage of all the wonderful things that come your way."
That's not necessarily the case, but I won't argue with you.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you what I was up to.
I was kind of excited about it."
Just be careful.
Listen, I have to go.
Talk to you later."
Bye." Michael hung up
before she even finished speaking.
Jany stared at the phone, confused.
She'd fully expected Michael to be happy for her, but he'd
seemed almost angry.
Why had he been encouraging her this whole time if he thought so
lowly of the guys she was meeting?
Finally, she dialed Mala's number.
She needed another woman's perspective.
"Jealous," Mala said when Jany had explained what had
"No. I'm not
jealous. I mean, I
wouldn't like it if Michael was seeing someone else.
I'd probably get super upset.
But I never even thought of that.
And he never said anything to make me think he-"
"Not you, ding dong.
jealous of the other guys.
He said you could do better, and he thinks he's better."
"He has no right to be jealous!
He's the one who won't come visit me, who says we can't be
"Don't flip out on me, girl.
I never said it was your fault, and if you wanna call and cry
on my shoulder, you can listen to what I got to say."
"Sorry. I'm just
stressed. I don't know
what I'd do without Michael in my life, even if it is at a distance,
and I just e-mailed Paul and asked him out and I'm all nervous
waiting for his answer."
"What on earth is your problem?
They're just guys.
Relax! And I
thought you decided not to go out with Paul again."
"I changed my mind.
He was the least scary, and he was at least nice.
Thanks for yelling at me and stuff.
I'm gonna get going, now, though.
Watch some TV or something maybe."
Before bed, Jany decided to check her e-mail.
She told herself it was to see if Mala had sent her any
instructions for the next day, but the way her heartbeat sped up
when she saw that she had a new message on Personalz.com wouldn't
let her lie to herself.
Subject: Re: Hi!
I do still have my account on Personalz.com
because I have not met anyone to get seriously involved with yet.
I never did get very many responses and I have been too busy
with my job to look for any dates in quite a while now.
I was hired two months ago by the Raising Russia Foundation
as an intern. Do you
remember that organization?
They sponsored the dance we went to the night that you fell
and sprained your ankle.
I would have called to ask if you were all right, but I
thought you might be angry with me for not being able to get back on
the bus and I didn't know what to say to you.
I did enjoy our time together and I am glad you would like to
see me again. When
would you like to go out on a date?
Fridays and Saturdays are best for me because my father likes
me to get to bed at a decent hour on nights when I have to work the
Subject: Re: Re: Hi!
I'm glad to hear you got a job.
Would you like to go to the movies Friday night?
You can just pick a theater near where you live and I
will meet you there.
And it wasn't your fault that the bus left.
The driver just had a schedule to keep and didn't know
how long you would be, I guess.
There was nothing you could do.
Let me know about Friday.
Jany let Paul pick the movie; it seemed easier than trying to
argue about it and pick one they both wanted to see.
Jany suspected their taste in movies wouldn't exactly jive.
The bus she took got her to the theater just barely in time
for the movie he'd chosen,
N.Y.P.D. UFO. She
figured that was okay, because it sounded suspiciously like a sci fi
flick, and she didn't think the previews that played along with it
would be worth watching.
She could see when she got there, though, that arriving so
late had been a mistake.
Paul was pacing in front of the door of the theater, wringing
his hands and glancing constantly at his watch.
When she got closer, Jany could hear thathe was also
muttering under his breath.
"Hey, Paul," she called out.
"Jany! I thought
you weren't coming!
We're late!" He grabbed
her arm to drag her into the theater, which made her flinch at the
memory of what had happened last time he'd grabbed her arm.
They made it safely to the ticket booth, though.
Jany had planned to buy their tickets, since the date had
been her idea, but Paul beat her to it.
And even though he appeared to be having a stroke when she
stopped to buy popcorn, looking frantically from his watch to the
line ahead of them to the theater the movie was playing in, he
stepped in front of her to pay for the popcorn, too.
If Paul was so eager to impress, Jany thought, he must really
like her. She was still
on the fence about him, so she wasn't so sure how she felt about
that. A little guilty,
maybe, for leading him on, if that was what she was doing, but she
tried to channel Mala.
Maybe the ability to not worry too much about other people's
feelings was the key Jany had been missing out on, the key to having
a crowd of admirers gathered around at all times.
It seemed to work for Mala, the queen of leading men on.
"Let's hurry! We
might miss the previews," Paul whispered.
Then, as he half dragged her through the theater, "I bought
your ticket and the popcorn because my dad said I should.
To make up for last time."
"Okay, so maybe he wasn't worried about impressing her.
At least his father was.
Jany scuttled breathlessly after Paul, doing her best to keep
up. They sank into
seats near the back just as the last preview ended.
"Oh, man! We
missed the best part!"
"Sorry. I guess
I should have taken an earlier bus."
Jany reached for the bucket of popcorn.
Paul handed it to her, then leaned over to whisper in her
"I hope I won't disturb anyone any more than we already did
by coming in so late, but I wanted to tell you something.
You are welcome to share my popcorn.
And believe me, you don't owe me
Jany munched on a handful of popcorn while she considered
what he had meant. Was
he saying she didn't have to pay him back for whatever amount of
popcorn she ate? That
didn't seem to make much sense, since he'd just about knocked her
over in his hurry to pay for it.
She shouldn't have bothered to wonder, though; like always,
Paul had an explanation and was more than willing to share it.
"My dad said that sometimes guys buy things on dates so that
a girl feels like she owes him
You know what I
mean. So I thought I
might need to reassure you that I don't expect you to kiss me or
Jany resisted the urge to ask Paul if he didn't think that
might make for an awfully boring date.
Instead, she smiled and thanked him for being so considerate.
They both turned their attention to the movie after that, to
Jany's relief. It
didn't take her long, though, to discover that she didn't have much
interest in a bunch of aliens running around and shooting each other
with lasers, even if they were dressed as New York City cops.
She pulled out her cell phone and texted Selena to tell her
about the Paul's declaration that she could share his popcorn
without owing him anything.
2 fun e
right? Good thing he doesn't expect anything, b/c after that I'm not
really in the mood.
this put u in the mood? [Download PictureMail]
SELENA! Are you drunk?! WHY would you send me a pic of your
dont no. thot it wud be fun e. did it turn u on? seduce him!
Jany put her phone back in her pocket and forced herself to
stare at the movie screen.
She was glad that the movie had moved from
New York City
into space, because everything on the screen had a blueish tint to
it that, when it reflected on Jany's face, hid the fact that she was
Selene had promised not to push the issue, to stay out of the way
while Jany was dating these guys.
So much for promises.
But in a way, it had excited Jany.
Not excited her, exactly, but flattered her in a strange way.
It gave her a shot of courage.
Enough courage to test Paul's limits.
And hers. After
all, this was an experiment of sorts, to see if the ads on
Personalz.com had worked.
To see if Jany could hold her own in the dating world.
She reached out and took Paul's hand.
He jumped when she touched him, and his body immediately
flung itself as far as it could to the side of his seat opposite
Jany. But he didn't
pull his hand away.
When the movie was finally over, Jany deliberately took her
time gathering up her coat and purse and the empty popcorn bucket,
so that they were the last two people in the room.
She followed Paul down the aisle between the rows of seats,
but she reached out and touched his shoulder just before they walked
out into the lobby.
"Would you like to kiss me?" she asked quietly, and very
quickly, to get the words out before she panicked.
"I-uh-I, no, that's okay.
I mean, like I said, you don't owe me-"
"No, I know that.
I just thought-well, I'd like to kiss you.
I mean, it is our third date."
"Um, okay, then.
You don't have a cold or anything, do you?"
Jany laughed softly, then reached her arms up and around
"Paul? Shut up," she said, and pulled his face toward hers.
She kissed him gently on the lips.
Paul pulled back and turned, running into the garbage can.
"Um, okay, well, thank you.
That was nice," he called, almost running out into the lobby.
She was pretty sure she might feel rejected later, when she thought
about Paul bolting from the room, but at the moment she was just
proud that she'd been brave enough to kiss him.
"Hey, wait for me!
Paul, wait-watch out, Paul!"
In his hurry to get outside, Paul didn't think to stop
running when he turned around to look at Jany.
He faced forward again just in time to run smack into the
pole between two doors.
He was leaning against the wall looking stunned when Jany caught up
"Are you okay?"
"I'll be fine.
I'll ask my parents when I get home if I should see a doctor.
Um, Jany? I
don't know if we should see each other again.
I think it is dangerous.
We get hurt too much."
If anyone else had said the same thing, Jany would have
laughed, but Paul was definitely not kidding.
She was sure he knew how to kid.
And he was probably right, jut like Mala and Selena had been.
Paul and Jany just weren't a good match.
"All right, Paul.
Whatever you think.
If you change your mind, give me a call, okay?
You have my number."
Secretly, Jany hoped he wouldn't call.