The Adventures of Phatgurl
by Emily Suzanne
Adventures Of Phatgurl
is a serial collection of stories about the adventures of Jany, a
plus-sized young woman who, in desperation, places an ad on a
personals website. As she embarks on her dates, she meets many
different kinds of men who expect many different things from her.
Some of her adventures are wildly amusing and others are more
serious and even sad.
If you have any
ideas or experiences, funny or otherwise, that you would like to see
depicted in a future Phatgurl story, please e-mail me at
I will do my very best to incorporate all reader ideas into future
SWSSBBW seeks SM
who will not rape her, emotionally or otherwise. The ability to
both speak and write in complete sentences is a plus. Must not
inadvertently throw her down stairs or pretend that she is “Mama.”
Intelligent conversation, a little respect, and the lack of a
current significant other will get you far. And a well-developed
sense of humor won’t hurt, either. If you like smart chicks with
jelly bellies and thunder thighs, reply to
Looking Back ... Continued
Me and Mala told ya it wasn’t a good idea to go out with
Paul. Totally not your
type. Admit it, the date
was a disaster!”
was good for comic relief.”
“Yeah, but not til after I sent you the picture of my boobs.”
“Selena! Keep your voice
down! We’re in the
middle of a restaurant and I’m sure not everyone here wants to know
that you go around sending people dirty pictures.”
“Oh, whatev. And anyway,
it was a very clean picture.
I’d just gotten out of the shower.”
“Seriously, though, the date wasn’t that horrible.
I just think Paul would be better off with a good
little—well, with someone else.
Someone who’s not actively seeking adventure.
Not that I’m overly big on risk-taking or anything, but he’s
even less spontaneous than I am.
And it was funny even before the picture.
I mean, who assumes a girl owes him anything because he
shared his popcorn?”
Selena picked up the bill.
“Well, I’m about to buy you a whole lunch, so what will you owe me
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. We
really should, like, go out again sometime, though, ya know?
I had fun. Look
at you! Why do you blush
every time I so much as mention the fact that we went out?”
“It’s just still a little weird for me.
You’ve been into girls forever so you’re used to it, but I
still don’t even know if the whole girl thing works.
I just need to—to focus on these guys for a while and let the
whole thing sit. Okay?”
“Okay, but I know ya wanna.
Otherwise you wouldn’t still be blushing.”
“It’s not that, it’s just—never mind.
Are you coming to the shop tonight?
Did Mala ask you?”
“You are totally changing
the subject, Jane. No, I
haven’t really talked to her much.
It’s not like we’re best buds or something, we both just
happen to like hanging out with you, so we, like, hang with each
other, too. What’s up
“Mala has some junk to do, like getting a bunch of stuff packed up
for a show she’s doing next week at some other gallery, so we
decided to get dinner—pizza and wine, I think Mala said—and have
some fun with it. You
can come if you wanna.”
“Pizza and wine? I might
just mosey on over. What
time, though? I have an
appointment with my therapist.”
I think. Maybe you
should bring your therapist with.
We could probably all use it.”
“Well, I’ll invite her, but somehow I don’t think she’ll jump right
on that. I’ll be there,
“Cool. See ya then.”
Selena hugged Jany and then ran off to her car.
Jany walked slowly back to work.
She’d never had friends that hugged people so casually
before, and since she’d spent most of her life trying to avoid
letting other people touch her, she never knew quite how to react.
Was she supposed to wrap her arms around the other person,
pat the other person on the back, what?
And she was always mildly paranoid that the hugger had
somehow failed to notice how fat she was and would react violently
upon feeling her abundant flesh.
She told herself it was stupid to worry so much, especially
given that this time it had been Selena who’d hugged her, but it
still took half the afternoon to get her mind fully back on work.
Jany left the gallery at closing time to run some errands and got
back just as Selena was arriving.
They walked in together to find Mala sprawled on the floor in
the middle of the gallery, surrounded by cardboard boxes.
hard, hey, Mala?” Selena asked.
“Yeah, I am. I just
hauled all these boxes in from the truck all by myself!”
“Well, you coulda waited.
And anyways, they’re cardboard.
How hard is it to carry empty cardboard boxes?”
“Okay, girls, let’s get to work,” Jany sang out.
Mala slowly stood up and disappeared into her office, returning with
glasses and a bottle of wine.
The three set to work packing up some of Mala’s originals and
sets of prints. The wine
slowed them down a little over time, but it only took them a few
hours to have everything all packed up and inventoried.
“Okay, time for that pizza!” Mala proclaimed finally, and a half
hour later they were all settled on the floor in the office around
Mala’s laptop, eating pizza, drinking wine, and watching silly
know what we should do?” Selena asked.
She didn’t wait for an answer.
“We should make Jany pick the next guy she’s going out with.
‘Cause she keeps telling me she’s gotta date ‘em again before
she’ll go out with me, an’ I’m gettin’, like, really sick of waitin’.”
“Yeah. We can do that.”
Mala brought up the Personalz.com website and turned the
computer toward Jany.
“Log in. Start typin’.”
don’t know if now’s a good time, really.
I mean, we’re all a little drunk, and I might say something
dumb that I’d regret—”
“Get over it. You’ve
hardly had any wine at all.
We’re both talkin’ like we’re fifty sheven—seven—sheets to
the wind, but you’re fine.
Who ya gonna ask?”
don’t know.” Jany logged
in and looked at the list of guys to whom she’d decided to give a
second shot. “I’m not at
my best today. I think I
had Insecurios for breakfast or something.”
Mala and Selena laughed so hard that Jany almost managed a smile.
“That was a good one!” Selena told her, slapping her across the back
just a little too hard.
think,” Jany began quietly, “That I should maybe ask Dale next.
Because he was an ass, kind of, but he had a good sense of
humor, and he was good for my self esteem.
I think maybe that’s what I need right now.
“Yes! Ask Dale!” Mala
“Dale’s da man!” Selena chimed in.
“Okay, then. Help me
write the letter.”
“We’ll do better than that.
We’ll write it for you.
“No! I absolutely do not
trust you two, especially tonight.”
“Oh, come on. We won’t
send it til you say we can.
Go drink some more wine and we’ll come get ya when we’re
done.” Selena stood up,
placed Jany’s glass of wine in one of Jany’s hands and her own glass
in the other, and ushered Jany through the doorway.
“Go keep yourself busy.
Be with ya in a minute.”
She pulled the office door shut.
Jany sat down at the service counter and stared from one
glass of wine to the other.
And then, one at a time, she drained them both.
Come on in!” Mala finally sang, and the office door swung
open, propelled by a bare foot.
“Are you guys so drunk you can’t even stand up to open the door?”
Jany asked, half kidding.
“Yeah, kinda,” Selena answered.
She didn’t sound like she was kidding.
Jany was more than a little nervous about the kind of letter
Mala and Selena might have written to Dale, given their situation.
Subject: Another Date, Big Daddy!
Its Jany, member me?
I’m the one you wanted to give you a blow job at the mall
and I thought you were crazy but maybe you weren’t so crazy.
I mean thats actually kinda sexy really and even though I
don’t do stuff like that much, it makes you seem like a fun guy.
You made me feel real good cause you didn’t think I
should be all weird and stuff about how I look just cuz im fat
and that works for you cause your not kinda ugly but you don’t
care, you just have fun anways.
So we should go out to dinner and a movie sometime, like
saturday, and see where things go.
“You guys, I am not going
to send that! It’s
offensive to him, it’s not at all what I would say, and the spelling
and stuff is all wrong!”
yeah?” Mala asked.
Giggling, she reached toward the computer.
“Mala, don’t you even—Mala!”
It was too late.
Mala had sent the message before Jany could stop her.
“That was way over the line, Mala.
Really. You are
totally going to offend him, and after the way I’ve been treated my
whole life because of how I look, I would never, ever, ever do the
same thing to someone else.
And saying he was cute at the end did not erase the part
where you called him ugly.
I can’t believe you’d do that!”
Jany turned away so that Mala and Selena wouldn’t see her
“Mala? I think maybe
she’s right. We mighta
gone jus’ a little bit too far.
Well, you did, anyway—I didn’t send it.
Let’s leave her alone.”
Once Mala and Selena were gone, Jany tried to get herself together.
She couldn’t figure out exactly why she was so upset.
She didn’t exactly think she had a serious future with Dale.
But she hadn’t been lying to Mala.
She really felt sick to her stomach at the thought that what
she had said—well, what Mala and Selena had said—might hurt him.
she still had her inability to burn bridges to deal with.
Jany felt like she had come a long way, but she still had a
constant fear that she might let herself trust someone, one of the
guys she went out with, and then suddenly find herself alone again,
without anyone waiting on the back burner.
The thought of trusting someone and being betrayed was almost
scarier than the thought of never having anyone to trust at all.
Finally, she did the only thing she could think of to do: she sat
down at the computer and typed another letter to Dale.
Subject: Please Excuse The Last Letter You
Got—From My “Friends”
Sorry about that.
We all had a little wine, and I told them I was thinking
about asking you out again, and they sent a message without my
permission. What I
would have said, personally, if they’d given me the chance, was
that I was pretty offended by what you asked me to do, but I do
admire your attitude, and you really made me think about myself
in a different and better way when I met you, and you have a
great sense of humor, and I had a pretty good time with you in
the end. So, that
all being said, I was wondering if you’d like to go out
sometime. I really
hope you can get past what my friends said.
I promise you that I had nothing at all to do with that
message. In fact, I
was just telling them that there was no way I would ever allow
them to send something like that when one of them hit send
before I could stop her.
They were only right about a couple things: you did make
me feel good, you are cute, and dinner and a movie Saturday
night would be pretty cool.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Jany joined Mala and Selena in the gallery.
“Okay, you guys, I sent him another letter.
Hopefully he’ll even be speaking to me.
You are terrible, you know that?”
sorry. We just got
goofy. But you really do
take everything too serious.
You don’t gotta treat every man you meet like he’s the love
of your life or something.
Once in a while, you’re gonna have to hurt someone’s
feelings, it’s just how life works.
I mean, ya try not to, but if you don’t learn to be honest
with dudes, you’re gonna end up married to someone ya can’t stand.”
“Right, Selena. ‘Cause
I’m sure I’m going to meet hundred of guys that wanna marry me.
I don’t even have to worry about that.
None of this really matters.
I mean, yeah, I’ll get to have some fun, but I’m just not the
kinda girl that’ll ever have a family or someone to wake up next to
in the morning. This is
all just a distraction.”
“With that attitude, you’re sure as hell not gonna meet anyone.
Get it together, Jany!
You don’t have to go gettin’ all depressed just ‘cause we got
silly and wrote a letter to some guy.
Even if he doesn’t wanna stick around with ya forever,
someone else will. You
don’t even wanna be with him
forever—you were barely sure if ya wanted to see the guy again.
Get off your pity horse and have some fun for once.
It’s no fun for us when you go and get all sad.”
“Pity horse, Mala?
“Shut up. High horse,
pity pot, whatever. You
know what I mean.”
Jany and Selena laughed at Mala, which made her pout a little, but
it relaxed them all, too.
They were friends again.
Selena was too tired to check her e-mail when she got home.
She lay awake in bed for a while, wondering if Dale had
gotten the messages, what he thought if he had, but it didn’t keep
her awake for long. It
was the first thing she thought about when she woke up, though, so
her computer was on before she was fully awake.
Nothing. Dale had not
responded. Selena got
ready for work, but the fact that Dale hadn’t responded colored her
whole day, even though she told herself that he probably hadn’t had
a chance to get online.
She was crabby with Mala, which made for a terrible morning because
Mala was a little hung over from the wine, and at lunch, she barely
talked to Selena until they were finished eating.
“Oh, come on. Get over
it. I understand that
you’re mad, but don’t let it be this big of a deal.
It takes, like, way more energy to hold a grudge than to just
let it go. My therapist
always tells me that.”
“Screw what your therapist says.
It doesn’t have anything to do with my issue today anyway.”
“Whoa, girl. Calm down.
I didn’t mean to piss you off—”
“Look, I’m not pissed.
Not really. I’m just
kinda scared now. Dale
hasn’t e-mailed me back yet.
I think he probably got upset and now I won’t get to see him
again. He didn’t believe
me when I said it was you guys or something.
Like things aren’t bad enough, now there’s one more guy in
the world that doesn’t want me.”
God, Jane. He might not
even checked his mail yet—are you crying?
Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Leave me
Selena stood up and walked around behind Jany.
She placed her hands on Jany’s shoulders and, squeezing them
tightly, leaned over to whisper in Jany’s ear.
“It’s okay, hon. Just
relax. Come on, let’s
get outta here. You’re
gonna be fine. Come with
me.” Selena stopped at
the cash register and paid on the way out, then led Jany back to the
gallery. They slipped
into the office and Selena gently pushed Jany into a chair, then sat
next to her and held her hand.
“What—what’s this all about?” Jany asked quietly.
“What is what all about?”
“Why are you doing all this?”
“’Cause you’re upset.
And I’m your friend. I
want you to be happy.”
you just leave me alone, I’ll be okay.”
“That’s not how friends work.
Now tell me what’s wrong.”
already did. I’m lonely,
okay? I don’t wanna live
my whole life with no one to love.
snap out of it. Things
are going really well for you, you just can’t see it ‘cause you got
your eyes closed. Open ‘em
up. I’m here for you,
and Mala’s here for you, even if no one else is.
Which they probably are, I’m just sayin’.
And you got all these guys to go out with.”
“But none of them called or wrote to me, I have to do all the work.
I’m not worth any effort on anyone’s part.
If I’m easy, maybe some guy is willing to do whatever, but no
one really wants to get to know me.
I’m just not worth it.”
“You were worth twelve bucks to me just now.
You were supposed to pay for lunch today.”
my God! I’m so sorry,
here. Let me get in my
pocket,” Jany mumbled, leaning forward in her chair.
Selena placed her hand on Jany’s chest and pushed her back.
“Never mind. I was
teasing you. It doesn’t
matter. I just wanted to
make you smile. Listen,
I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you will find plenty of
people who want to be with you and who think you’re worth their
effort or whatever. You
just haven’t, like, started looking the right way in the right
places yet. Once you
start getting ahold of some of those guys, the ones you didn’t meet
on that website, I bet you’ll be way better off.
And if none of them work out, you’ll always have me.
It might freak you out to hear it, but I really do like you,
and if you ever decide girls are your thing, I really do want to go
out with you again. I
mean, friends is cool, too.
I like to just hang with you.
But I’m attracted to you.
I don’t know if that makes you feel any better or if it’s
just kinda weird, but there it is.”
does—I mean, I do feel better.
I’m just—not sure.
But I appreciate you—this.
I’ve never really had any friends around when I got all weird
before. I usually just
go hide out at home. So
I don’t really—I’m not used to this.
But thank you.
I’ll be okay.”
Jany managed to get through the rest of the day at work, but she was
relieved to go home. It
was exhausting to pretend she was normal when she didn’t feel like
she was. And she was
anxious to see if Dale had responded yet, too.
Before she logged in to Personalz.com, she took a deep breath
and promised herself that if he hadn’t responded, she would just
forget him and move on.
No more tears.
Subject: Re: Please Excuse The Last Letter You
Got—From My “Friends”
I thought maybe you had changed a awful lot.
It didnt sound like you.
I do my fair share a drinkin so I get it.
Hell yeah I wanna go out with you again.
I got hopes.
Subject: Lower Those Hopes
I’m still not going to do vile and disgusting
things to you in the theater, ok?
I want to go out with someone, dinner, a movie, whatever, and
just have a good time.
No pressure. I want to
feel like I’m worth something to someone other than being a place to
put his—well, you know.
If you’re not cool with that, let me know.
I’d rather not see you, in that case.
And I just wanted to tell you that I’m proud of myself for
saying so, by the way.
It means I’m getting better, because I used to never be able to say
what I wanted or what I thought.
And I’m probably going to cry if you say never mind, you
don’t want to see me if there’s no sex involved.
No pressure or anything, though.
Subject: Re: Lower Those Hopes
Im cool with that.
Some girls take more work than others.
Well see what it takes with you.
Let me come to youre neck a the woods this time.
Meet you at the bus stop you got off at last time around
6 on Friday and well go someplace to grab food before the movie.
Dinner had gone well.
They’d gone to a Chinese buffet near the bus stop, and Dale had
seemed like a perfect gentleman, not like the brute he made himself
out to be in the e-mails he sent.
the theater, he bought tickets for both Jany and himself, along with
a big bucket of popcorn, even though Jany didn’t know how he could
possibly eat any more after what he’d had for dinner.
At least he didn’t mention expecting her to owe him anything
for it. They scrunched
themselves rather uncomfortably into seats in the last row.
The seats were close together, of course, and neither Jany
nor Dale was a small person, so they were forced to sit almost on
each other’s laps. Jany
wished she had waited until after Dale had sat down, so she could
have left a seat in between them.
She tried to find a place to put her arm where it wouldn’t be
resting on some part of Dale.
Dale obviously didn’t care that much.
He sat the way men have a habit of sitting, his legs splayed
wide and pressed against Jany’s, and rested his arm on their shared
armrest, even though it forced Jany to almost hold her breath as she
leaned away from him to avoid letting her belly rest against his
“I’m trying to find a place to put my arm,” Jany whispered.
“I don’t want to crowd you.”
She hoped maybe he would take the hint and reign himself in a
little to give her more space.
know a place you can put it,” Dale whispered back, smirking.
“Are we really going to start this again?
I was kidding.
“Sorry. I just don’t
wanna lead you on.”
“Even if you do, I’ll live.
By the way, I have a really small penis.”
I mean, no, don’t say it again.
Agh! I didn’t
want to know!” Jany
pulled herself as far from him as she could and closed her eyes.
She shivered in disgust.
“Why? Why did you
have to go and do that?”
“Does it bother you that much?”
I mean, what made you think I needed to know?
It bothered me to hear
it, yes. Other than
that, I really don’t care.
“Well, just in case I finally wore you down, I thought you should
know. It’s always better
to let someone get used to it ahead of time so I don’t get laughed
Nothing in Jany’s life had prepared her for such a situation.
She didn’t know what to say, if it was appropriate to laugh,
if she should be angry or feel sorry for Dale—she didn’t know
“I—uh, I wouldn’t laugh at you.
I mean, that kind of stuff doesn’t bother me.
Look, can we just not talk about this anymore?
It’s creepin’ me out.
Not your—it’s the conversation that’s creeping me out.
I didn’t expect to find out that kind of information tonight,
in any way, so it was kinda a shock.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, as the pre-movie ads and the
credits played. Then
Dale leaned over toward Jany again.
“Don’t you want to know how small?
Just in case? So
you can make an informed decision?”
“No! I don’t want to
know, and I told you I don’t care anymore.
Drop it, please!
This is really weird.”
“Oh, calm down. I’m just
“Yeah, polite. Polite
people don’t talk about their genitals in a movie theater.
Now shut up and let’s just watch the movie so I can try and
forget this awkwardness.”
Jany couldn’t believe she was even able to talk to Dale about the
subject; she was responding out of sheer panic and not her own will.
She shuddered one more time as she tried to refocus her
attention on the movie.
“I’m gonna regret saying this, but—what?”
pack of Rolaids.”
“No, thanks. I’m fine.”
Jany relaxed a little.
Rolaids was a topic she could handle.
“No, I mean, it’s about the size of a pack of Rolaids.
When it’s hard.”
“Dale! Shut up!
nearly shouted at first, then lowered her voice to a whisper when
people started turning around.
“Sorry. I just thought
you needed to know. In
case I wear you down.
I’m still trying, you know.”
“Wow, I felt sorry for you at first, but you just kept right on
going until there was no sorry left in me.
You are not telling me because you thought I should know,
you’re telling me because it’s turning you on!
Look at you, at the grin on your face.
You think this is just great.
They were right, I never should have gone out with you
“Who was right?”
friends. The ones that
sent you that e-mail.
They told me I should shoot higher, but I didn’t think they were
right. I thought you
might be cool, might bump up my self esteem again.
I never should have even bothered to e-mail you after they
did—you deserved what they said.
You are ugly, and it has nothing to do with what you look
like! Now, I am going to
watch this movie, because I’m already here and it looks good, but
just don’t talk to me. I
don’t want to hear any more about your—about your body.
Even if it does turn you on.”
Jany stood up and moved over a chair.
Mala and Selena had been right, just like always.
Jany wondered when she was going to start trusting them.