The Adventures of Phatgurl
by Emily Suzanne
Adventures Of Phatgurl
is a serial collection of stories about the adventures of Jany, a
plus-sized young woman who, in desperation, places an ad on a
personals website. As she embarks on her dates, she meets many
different kinds of men who expect many different things from her.
Some of her adventures are wildly amusing and others are more
serious and even sad.
If you have any
ideas or experiences, funny or otherwise, that you would like to see
depicted in a future Phatgurl story, please e-mail me at
I will do my very best to incorporate all reader ideas into future
SWSSBBW seeks SM
who will not rape her, emotionally or otherwise. The ability to
both speak and write in complete sentences is a plus. Must not
inadvertently throw her down stairs or pretend that she is “Mama.”
Intelligent conversation, a little respect, and the lack of a
current significant other will get you far. And a well-developed
sense of humor won’t hurt, either. If you like smart chicks with
jelly bellies and thunder thighs, reply to
Looking Back ... Continued
“All right, girls, here’s the deal.
Things did not go well with Dale.
You were right about him.
But it might have gone better if you hadn’t gotten all goofy
on wine and sent him that stupid e-mail.
So, if I want advice I’ll ask for it.
Otherwise, I’m doing this on my own from now on.
Jany held her head steady and tried to speak with conviction.
It didn’t completely work.
Her voice wavered a little.
Even though she was all alone in her apartment, speaking to
her own reflection in the mirror.
There was no way she would ever work up the
courage to repeat her little speech to Mala and Selena.
Best not to make any bold declarations.
Best to just do what she needed to do and try to keep them
out of her dating life for a while.
And there was no time like the present to start.
Observant William from the BBW dance, who had stolen her away from a
date she was bored to tears with, who had picked her out of a crowd,
chosen her. They hadn’t
actually dated so far, or even talked all that much, but they had
danced a lot, and he had given her his e-mail address.
It was worth a try,
Subject: You Probably Don’t Remember Me
But I kind of hope you do.
I met you at a BBW dance back in December sometime.
You actually stole me from the guy I was dancing with, which
I appreciated. A lot.
You told me he wasn’t my type and you were totally right.
We danced for pretty much the rest of the night, and before
you left, you gave me your e-mail address.
I was wearing a black skirt and a sparkly red top.
Hopefully that refreshes your memory.
Anyway, I liked you when we met, and I was
wondering if you’d have any interest in getting together sometime.
If you’re still single, that is.
Actually, I guess I don’t know if you were single in the
first place, but I assumed...
I look forward to hearing from you.
Subject: Re: You Probably Don’t Remember Me
Of course I remember you!
You’re about five-three with gorgeous eyes and dark
messy-cool hair and you work in an art store or something like that.
You were dancing with an older guy that looked totally bored
with life. I spent
about three months hoping you would e-mail me and wishing I had
taken your e-mail address instead of giving you mine, and then I
sort of gave up. And
now here you are!
I’d love to get together with you sometime.
I really had a good time dancing with you.
I’d love a chance to put my arms around you again.
There’s another dance next weekend, I believe, either on
Friday or Saturday. Let
me check and get back to you, and if you’d like to go with me, I’ll
pick you up and take you out for dinner beforehand.
“Don’t tell Selena.”
“Don’t tell Selena you’re goin’ out with this dude.
She gets all sad every time you go out with someone.”
Right. She seemed
totally depressed when you two were sabotaging my date with Dale.”
“Um, yeah. We
were sabotaging it,
“You weren’t trying
to, remember? You guys
“No, I was drunk.
Very drunk. She
was a little tipsy and
lot trying to sabotage
your date. She really
wants to keep you to herself, you know.”
She can have anyone she wants, she’s all pretty and bubbly and
outgoing. She doesn’t
care that much about someone like me, I promise.”
“No, I think she really does.
Be nice to her.”
“Oh, you’re one to talk, Miss Every-Woman-For-Herself.
All that time when I never had a date and I had to sit and
listen to you go on and on and on about all those guys you were
seeing, do you think that was fun for me?
At least Selena can get herself a date.
And she knows I’m just not sure how I feel about the whole
“Whoa. Calm down
there. I never knew it
bothered you, shoulda said something.
And I’m just saying you should tone it down a notch with her
or come out and tell her you don’t wanna see her again.
Don’t lead her on.”
“I’m not leading her on.
I told her I just don’t know.
Trust me, she’ll meet someone else and move on.
Someone like me won’t hold her attention for long.”
“That’s a really great attitude, Jane.
Awesome. See ya
Jany was at a complete loss.
She hadn’t imagined that Selena could possibly care that
much. Should she call
Selena, get together with her?
Leave her alone?
Knowing how Selena felt, or at least how Mala said she felt, made
everything feel off kilter and Jany was suddenly a little bit afraid
of Selena. The part of
her that was determined to avoid conflict won out until Saturday
morning when she finally dialed Selena’s number, half hoping she
wouldn’t answer. She
“Hey, Jane. What
“Not much. You?”
Haven’t heard from you in a while.”
“I’ve been busy.
Mala’s been keeping my nose to the grindstone, you know how
“Yeah, she’s a real slave driver.
Cracks the whip real hard.”
“Okay, okay, don’t get all sarcastic.
I can’t really blame it on Mala.
I’m just—I’ve been busy with stuff.
But I miss talking to you.”
“Yeah, same here.”
“Why don’t you come over for a while?
We can do lunch or something.”
“I could do that.
You got anything goin’ on tonight?”
I’m going out.”
“I see. Yeah, I
could come over for a while.
Maybe I can help ya get ready.
Not like I have anything to get ready for, may as well keep
in practice helpin’ you.”
“Oh, come on.
You’re way gorgeous.
You can have a date anytime you want one.”
I’ve been asking someone out a lot lately and I keep getting turned
Jany didn’t have an answer for that.
In fact, she wanted nothing more than to put the phone down
and just run away, never have to respond at all.
But that wasn’t really an option.
“I’m assuming you’re, um, referring to me?
I’m really sorry.
I told you, I will sometime.
I just—God, Selena, I don’t know what to say.”
We’ll talk about it some other time.
Let me get dressed and I’ll see ya in a little bit.”
Jany’s mind started spinning as soon as she hung up the
phone. There had to be
some way to cheer Selena up without agreeing to go out with her.
She didn’t really have anything against going out with
Selena; that was the scary part.
She felt like maybe she should have been a little more
concerned about dating someone she shared a gender with.
Best to think about other things.
Like how to make Selena happy.
Impulsively, Jany picked up the phone and dialed William’s
number. She half hoped
he wouldn’t answer, because calling a half stranger wasn’t really
her style even if she was going out with him in a few hours, and
because she wasn’t sure she’d find the courage to ask him what she
intended to ask him anyway.
She was Go-With-The-Flow Jany, not someone who demanded
things from her dates or even offered suggestions.
but this was to save her friendship with Selena.
“Jany?” William said when he picked up.
“You’re not calling to back out on me, are you?”
“No. No, no,
no.” Jany spoke quickly
to hide the tremor in her voice.
“I just wondered—well, I mean, would it be okay if a friend
of mine came with us tonight?
She—she’s been having bad luck and she feels sort of
lonelyish and she’s on her way to my house and I feel really
terrible just leaving her here.
But I definitely don’t want to cancel on tonight.
You can say no, I totally understand and I’ll still go to the
dance. I can’t believe
I even asked you that, really.
I never do things like this.
It’s probably a bad idea.
“Slow down, there.
That sounds fine with.
I kinda like it that you’re that worried about your friend,
actually. It’s cute.”
worry about it.”
“You are really cool, ya know that?
“No problem. See
It was Selena who wasn’t so sure it was a good idea.
“You really don’t want me getting in the way, Jane.
I mean, it’s no fun having a third wheel along on a date.
Ain’t much fun bein’ a third wheel, either.”
“It’ll be fun. I
won’t be so scared to talk at dinner if you’re there.
I’ll probably make a better impression.
And at the dance, I bet a ton of people will ask you to
dance. I mean, there
were pretty many that asked me last time, and you are way prettier
than I am.”
“Oh, shut up. I
wish you’d stop picking at yourself like that.
Just to make you happy, I’ll go, but if it starts sucking,
When William called to say he was waiting downstairs, Jany
answered the phone almost before it rang.
She and Selena each looked in the mirror one last time before
they went down to meet him.
How goes it?”
“I’m fine,” Jany squeaked.
Selena kicked her in the ankle and rolled her eyes.
Selena. You’ll have to
excuse her, she gets a little weird when she’s nervous.”
“Nice to meet you, Selena.
And she’s not that weird.”
He leaned over and hugged Jany.
“You feel just as good in my arms as I remember,” he
whispered. He opened
the car door and when Jany, paralyzed with embarrassed pleasure over
his compliment, didn’t move, he gently pushed her toward it, then
opened the back door for Selena before he got behind the wheel.
Dinner was fun.
Selena was at her silly, boisterous best and talked almost nonstop,
which made Jany talk more rather than less.
She was much bolder, much more herself, with Selena there.
Will seemed to be amused by their animated story-telling.
“I thought you girls always went to the bathroom in groups,”
he said when they had finished eating and Selena excused herself.
“Yeah, I’ve heard that, too, but I don’t quite get it.
I wouldn’t know what I was supposed to do or say if I went in
there with her. I must
not be a real girl.”
Jany laughed, more because she didn’t want Will to think she was
cutting herself down than because she thought she had said anything
“I’m pretty sure you’re about as real as it gets.
Hopefully I’ll find out for sure later.”
Jany was relieved when Selena reappeared and she didn’t have
to try to come up with a response.
The art of flirting escaped her; she was just as worried that
she might cross the line and come across as cheap and easy as she
was that she might say something totally discouraging.
They got to the dance fairly early and found an empty table
near the dance floor.
Will hung his coat over the empty chair between Jany and Selena and
then excused himself and disappeared.
“I’m jealous. I
think you found yourself a good one here.”
“Selena, someone will be asking you to dance in like two
seconds, I’m sure. I am
so not worth being jealous of, I promise.”
“Who said I was jealous of you?
Maybe I’m jealous of him.”
“Come on, let’s not go there tonight.
We’ll talk about it soon, but not now.
I can’t figure out why it’s so important to you anyway.
It’s just me,
Selena. I’m not worth
all this trouble.”
“Jany, stop it!
You gotta get a grip and stop bashing yourself.
I don’t care if you like yourself or not, I like you, but
everyone else doesn’t know you as good as I do and they’re not gonna
put up with it and try to convince you how great you are.
You’re gonna hafta either get over it and, like,
like yourself more or I’m
gonna be your only choice, and it’s pretty obvious you don’t want
Will came back then and Jany was left wondering what she
might have said if he hadn’t, and if Selena was really as angry as
she seemed. Luckily,
the music was loud and there wasn’t much chance to talk, so it was
impossible for Will to notice if things were strained between Jany
and Selena. Jany
sensed, or at least imagined, a hostility in Selena’s lack of words,
and she wondered if it was really the music that was keeping Will
from speaking. Maybe he
just liked Selena more than he liked Jany and was too nice to do
anything about it.
Jany watched as a guy from the next table
leaned over and said something to Selena.
She got up and followed him onto the dance floor.
Will scooted his chair closer to Jany’s.
“Wanna dance, babe?”
Jany stood and led him onto the dance floor, but not with
enthusiasm. What if he
was only asking her to dance because Selena was dancing with someone
else, using her to try to make Selena jealous?
She tried to lose herself in the music and enjoy dancing.
Even if Will ended up moving on to Selena, at least she’d
still have the memory of dancing with him, of feeling special for a
few minutes. She wanted
to have that to hold on to.
You seem quiet.”
“I’m good. Just
hard for me to hear with the music.”
A small lie, but Will didn’t have to know that.
“Okay. I’m glad
someone finally asked Selena to dance.
I didn’t wanna leave her sitting there by herself, but I’ve
been dying to get you on the dance floor.”
Jany’s smile erupted so abruptly that she almost laughed out
loud. He hadn’t asked
her to dance because he was genuinely just a nice guy.
And he liked her.
She relaxed a little.
They went back to the table and sat down after
a few songs and Jany tingled with excitement when Will draped his
arm across her shoulders.
This is what it’s
like, she kept thinking.
This is what it’s like
to be a normal girl at a normal dance with a normal guy.
Selena seemed to be enjoying herself, too.
Several men asked her to dance and she refused no one.
Jany was glad she could stop
worrying about Selena for a while.
They were among the last to leave at the end of the night;
Selena collected phone numbers and e-mail addresses from what seemed
like everyone there while Jany waited with Will on a couch in the
hall, nestled under his arm.
It felt unbelievably good to sit there with him.
“Thanks for letting me tag along tonight, Will.
I had a really great time.”
“You should tell Jany—”
Jany suddenly felt like she was spinning, spinning faster
than the entire Earth was spinning.
She thought she might be sick.
She couldn’t believe that Selena was about to betray her.
Just because she was pretty enough to steal Will away from
Jany, just because she thought she wanted Jany for herself.
Except when Jany’s heart stopped pounding in
her ears and she could hear again, Selena was telling Will that he
should tell Jany what he liked about her, that she didn’t have a
very good grasp on her good qualities.
“No, no, it’s fine,” Jany said quickly.
“It’s fine. You
don’t need to do that.”
“I’ll tell you what, Selena,” Will said, only he was looking
at Jany and not Selena.
“You go ahead and go upstairs and wait for Jany, okay?
I plan on letting her know exactly what it is I like about
her, just not in front of a curious onlooker.”
Jany blushed and almost choked; Selena, who had to know how
new and exciting this was for Jany, how flustered Jany was, laughed
out loud. Jany laughed
too, happy to know that Selena seemed to have forgiven her.
“Gimme your keys, girl.
I won’t wait up.”
Jany groped frantically in her purse and threw her keys into
the backseat. Selena
got out of the car and left Jany alone with Will.
“Relax, there, Jane.
I’m not gonna attack you or anything.
At least not in a bad way.”
Will said when they were alone, and pulled Jany closer to
him. She pulled away a
little, looked up at Will’s face.
“Can—can I tell you something?”
“Yeah, of course.”
Will lifted Jany’s hand and kissed it.
“Anything you want.”
“I’m not really used to this.
To dating and all that.
If I do something stupid—well, I just wanted you to know.”
Nothing you could do would be stupid.
I like you. I
don’t think you believe me, though, so the way I see it, I have two
choices. I can either
do what your friend there told me to and tell you all the reasons I
like you, or I can convince you in my own way.
And I like my way better, because it’ll stop you from saying
things to belittle yourself.”
Will leaned over and kissed Jany for so long that she thought she
might pass out. Not
that she minded; she could think of plenty of things worse than
passing out in Will’s arms.