The Adventures of Phatgurl
by Emily Suzanne
Adventures Of Phatgurl
is a serial collection of stories about the adventures of Jany, a
plus-sized young woman who, in desperation, places an ad on a
personals website. As she embarks on her dates, she meets many
different kinds of men who expect many different things from her.
Some of her adventures are wildly amusing and others are more
serious and even sad.
If you have any
ideas or experiences, funny or otherwise, that you would like to see
depicted in a future Phatgurl story, please e-mail me at
I will do my very best to incorporate all reader ideas into future
SWSSBBW seeks SM
who will not rape her, emotionally or otherwise. The ability to
both speak and write in complete sentences is a plus. Must not
inadvertently throw her down stairs or pretend that she is “Mama.”
Intelligent conversation, a little respect, and the lack of a
current significant other will get you far. And a well-developed
sense of humor won’t hurt, either. If you like smart chicks with
jelly bellies and thunder thighs, reply to
Looking Back ... Continued
“I don’t know why you felt the need to drag me
along. I mean, really,
Jane. Who wants to look
at paint a buncha dead guys slapped on paper like 200 years ago?”
“Most of this stuff was done in the 20s.
And you didn’t have
to come with us, you know.”
Let’s get this over with.”
Mala led the way into the art museum and Jany followed Selena
in, mostly to make sure she wasn’t going to bolt at the last second.
Mala looked around for a second, then tossed back her hair
and swaggered over to a man whose black turtleneck and thick black
glasses identified him as an artist.
“I hate guys like him,” Jany murmured in Selena’s ear.
“You can always tell an arrogant male artist by the black
clothes, black glasses, and stupid hat.
And by the fact that Mala is dangling off his shoulder.
She’s gonna be like a tumor on his side tonight and then
she’ll probably sleep with him a few times and one of her paintings
will end up in an exhibit he puts together and then there’ll be some
dramatic thing and they’ll never speak again.
Happens all the time, and the guys are always dressed in the
same uniform. Watch.”
Mala looked over toward Jany and Selena and
motioned for them to join her.
“Hi, girls,” she purred.
“This is Albert.
He helped organize this exhibit for the museum.
Isn’t he amazing?
Albert, this is Jany.
She works in my gallery.
And Selena here is her—uh, well, her friend.”
Mala hooked a thumb toward Selena and winked at Albert, who
glanced at Jany and Selena with an obvious lack of interest and then
wandered away. Mala
“I see whatcha mean.”
“And did you notice what Mala did there?
She wants him to think we’re a couple.
Then he won’t try and hit on us, and all his attention will
go directly to her. He
wouldn’t hit on us, though.
Not on me, anyway.
Guys like that always go for skinny things in peasant
“Shut up, Jane.
Stop that. And even if,
who cares? He seems
like a jack ass to me.”
“He is, I’m sure.
Still be nice to get hit on, though.”
“Oh, get off it.
You got along great with that Will guy and you, like, talk to him
and stuff, and I—well, never mind.
You get hit on plenty, you just don’t pay attention.
Come on, you dragged me to a stupid art museum on a Friday
night when I could’ve been doing something way more exciting, so
let’s go look at the art so we can get outta here.
Mala promised me wine if I was good.”
“She bribed you with wine, really?
That’s not fair.”
“She didn’t have to bribe you, you get off on this shit.
And anyway, when Mala’s involved, there’s always plenty of
wine to go around.”
Jany pulled a tiny notebook out of her pocket and stopped to
scribble in it every few minutes as they walked through the museum.
Selena kept up a running commentary on the art they were
looking at: “That one’s all depressing and shadowy; why would anyone
wanna look at it? I
like the colors in that one—ooh, that would be so pretty in my
bedroom. Some of these
people that call themselves artists are ridiculous.
I coulda done that
when I was like two, and I bet it’s worth a bazillion bucks, too.
What the hell is that supposed to be?
It just looks like someone spilled a bunch of blue paint and
then didn’t wanna waste the paper stuff so they tried to make it
into a picture.”
They made it through the museum and rejoined Mala and Albert.
Mala was still clinging to Albert’s arm, and every time
another woman tried to talk to him, she placed her hand on his back
and rested her head on his shoulder and spoke for him, as if he was
mute. Jany glanced at
Selena and they had to look away from each other to keep from
laughing. “I told you!”
“My God, she’s doesn’t even try to pretend she’s not trying
to get in his pants, does she?”
Mala finally noticed that they had returned.
“Did you enjoy the exhibit?”
“Yeah, it was incredible.
The light quality in some of these paintings is just amazing.
I took some notes on stuff I wanna try whenever I have time
to do some painting again.”
“Uh, yeah. It
was cool. It was—the
colors—yeah, it was cool.”
“Are you ready to get outta here and go have dinner?”
Jany was surprised that Mala was willing to leave so soon,
but she didn’t argue the point.
Selena was most definitely ready to leave, and Jany figured
they better get out while the getting was good.
They went to a small restaurant near the museum.
Mala went there often, so they got a table with a gorgeous
view of the city almost immediately.
She ordered a bottle of wine and then excused herself to use
“Okay, so I got a question for you,” Selena said as soon as
she disappeared. “If
she knew she was gonna try to get in this dude’s pants, why the hell
would she bribe us to come with?
Wouldn’t she wanna fly solo?”
“She needed wing women.
If there was a bunch of chicks around the guy to begin with,
we would’ve been there so she wouldn’t have to stand around alone,
and she could show off for him by telling us all about the art.
She knows what she’s doing.
It turned out she didn’t need us ‘cause he was standing there
all by himself when we walked in, but I’m cool with it.
I probably wouldn’t have gone otherwise, and it was a good
“So, like, if I hadn’t been there, would she just have left
you wandering around by yourself?”
done it before. I’m
used to it.”
“That ain’t right, kiddo.
Bros before hoes, ya know?”
“Um—we’re not bros, and she’s not exactly a ho, either.
I see what you’re saying, but really, it’s fine.
It used to bug me because it seemed kind of sucky that she
dragged me around until she found a guy to attach herself to and
then I just got ignored, but I never stopped going along with it
‘cause it gets me into a lot of really cool shows and stuff.
And after a while, ya get used to being ignored.
As long as I don’t expect to have some guy fall all over me,
it’s not so bad when she leaves with someone and I slink home
“You should totally bring some guy with you next time.
Like, one of the guys you met with your ad.”
“It doesn’t work that way.
If I’m with a guy, she’s the third wheel until she finds
someone, and Mala isn’t exactly the third wheel type.
She wouldn’t stand for it.
And anyway, I kinda did bring someone I met with my ad with
me this time.”
“Oh, so this was the date you’ve been promising and keep
putting off? You coulda
told me that”
They both laughed, but not easily.
Mala slid back into her seat and changed the subject just in
time to cut the tension.
“So how’d ya like him?”
“He was exactly interchangeable with every other man you’ve
met in the past three years: arrogant, boring, not all that
attractive if you manage to look under the beret and behind the
glasses, and powerful enough that you won’t care about any of that
until he moves on to some other up and coming artist.
Exactly your type.”
“Shut up, I wasn’t
talking to you.
“He—uh, he seemed nice enough.
I mean, he didn’t seem to be too upset by the fact that your
nose was stuck up his ass, so he must be okay.”
“You two are terrible friends!
Can’t you be supportive for once?”
“Two weeks from now, after he’s got a piece or two of yours
in some exhibit and then broken your cold and unfeeling heart by
moving on to someone else, then we’ll be supportive.
Even though you were using him just as much as he was using
wine better get here pretty quick.
I can’t take much more of this abuse.”
“You know we love ya.”
The waiter brought their wine and bread and took their orders
and they all relaxed a little.
Mala and Jany talked about the exhibit and Selena gave up
trying to follow what they were talking about and played with her
phone. They had been
there for two hours, eating and talking and giggling, and they were
working their way through a second bottle of wine when Mala’s phone
rang. She jumped out of
her seat and ran to find a quiet place to talk.
Jany had decided, during dinner, to tell Selena that this
was the date she had been
promising, that she’d just been too nervous to say so.
It wasn’t completely true, but she thought it might get
Selena off her back for a while and give her time to figure out if
she actually wanted to go out with her or not.
Except, by the time Mala left to take her phone call, the
wine was making it hard to think clearly.
When Jany tried to tell Selena that this was their official
date, she spoke slowly and carefully so she wouldn’t sound drunk.
It didn’t necessarily work.
this’s our date, ‘cause I love you—to be with you.
You’re so fun.”
You’re the funnest.”
Selena wrapped her hand around Jany’s wrist and pulled it
toward her mouth. She
was kissing Jany’s hand when Mala returned, and instead of letting
go, she turned and looked at Mala, her lips still resting against
the back of Jany’s hand.
Mala was much more sober than Jany and Selena.
“Okay, I see I interrupted something.
Anyway, that was Albert.
I’m going to go meet him to talk about some of my art.
I’ll get you guys a cab and send you back to Jany’s, okay?”
“You’re not gonna talk to him about art.
You’re gonna do it!”
Selena barely got the words out before she started giggling.
“Oops. Was that
too loud?” She dropped
Jany’s hand and looked at the couple seated closest to them.
The couple looked back at her, amused.
“All right, time to go.
Outside, Mala shoved Jany and Selena into the backseat of a
cab, said something to the driver, and gave him some money.
Jany and Selena waved goodbye to Mala, still giggling.
Selena wrapped her arm around Jany’s waist and snuggled
“Ya know what? I
think she got us drunk on purpose.
So we wouldn’t get mad at her for dishing us.
dished us for a dude.
And she’s trying to make us hook up.
‘Cause that’s what she told Al—Albert, ‘member?”
They laughed so hard they could barely sit up straight.
The cab driver took a corner a little too quickly and Jany
sprawled across Selena’s lap.
They laughed even harder.
And then Selena leaned over and kissed Jany.
Jany tried to pull away, surprised, but between the wine and
Selena’s arm across her shoulder, she couldn’t move.
And then, suddenly, she wasn’t thinking anymore, wasn’t
laughing anymore, just kissing.
It lasted forever.
“You a-gonna get out, or what?
I gotta other people to give a-rides to!”
Jany sat up fast and swung the door open.
She and Selena tumbled out of the cab and watched it drive
away. They stood in
silence, leaning on one another for support but not ready to talk to
each other quite yet.
Then Selena started giggling again.
Slowly, Jany joined her.
Clinging to one another, they stumbled back to Jany’s
apartment and collapsed on the couch.
“That guy was mean,” Jany said through her laughter.
woulda thought a dude woulda liked watching a couple-a girls makin’
out in the back of his car.
“Yeah, but not if I’m one of ‘em, ‘member?”
Selena didn’t answer Jany right away and Jany immediately
regretted cutting herself down.
She knew that her assessment of herself was right, but Selena
didn’t like it when she said things like that.
She hunched back into the couch and closed her eyes, trying
envision how the conversation might have gone if she had responded
differently. It wasn’t
easy; the wine was still making it difficult to focus on her
When she opened her eyes, it was because she felt like
someone was looking at her.
And breathing on her.
“Don’t say that,” Selena whispered, her face inches from
beautiful. Men do too
like you. And I like
Jany tried to gasp for air, but it was too late.
Selena’s lips were on hers again.
Jany wanted to tell her to stop, that she wasn’t ready for
this, that fear had her heart beating so hard she was afraid it was
going to explode, but she couldn’t form the words.
She blamed it on the wine.
She also blamed the wine for the fact that Selena’s hands on
her skin were electrifying, and she blamed the wine when she pulled
Selena’s face back toward hers.
Somehow—Jany really wasn’t sure how, no matter how she
struggled to remember—they ended up in Jany’s bed.
Their clothes did not end up in Jany’s bed.
There was a flurry of hands stroking skin and lips brushing
across overheated body parts, which Jany pulled away from and
initiated in turn. Just
like during her first experience with Bob, back when she’d first put
her ad online, it felt like she was outside of her body, watching,
unable to control her own thoughts or actions.
Except, this time, she didn’t feel like she was in any
danger. Not really.
She was afraid, but not afraid she would be hurt.
This time, she was afraid of herself, this new part of
Eventually, their groping slowed, stopped.
The wine, which had made them so giddy and brave earlier,
dissipated and left them sleepy.
Selena fell asleep before Jany did, her head tilted toward
Jany and her arm across Jany’s belly, just under her breasts.
Jany could feel every part of Selena’s body that touched
her—arm, head, even hair—acutely, heavily.
She couldn’t move.
And she couldn’t think.
didn’t want to think.
She didn’t want to think that maybe this was
okay, maybe she could really like Selena, love her even.
She didn’t want to think that even though she could barely admit it,
she loved being here, with Selena, like this.
And she especially didn’t want to think that
maybe it had nothing to do with Selena or her own sexuality and had
everything to do with the fact that for once in her life, sleeping
in the arms of someone who cared about her, life didn’t hurt.
Maybe it didn’t matter who was here with her—woman, man,
It just felt good to be able to reach out and
touch someone in the night, reassure herself that someone cared.
It felt good to not be alone.